In the middle of the night, I found myself awake. There was a message for me to hear. A message for me to pass on. And so, here I am now, in the early morning light, sharing with you part of what was shared with me. In gratitude, I share the beauty of this message…
… the part that impacted me was in her opening statements, “If violence towards women is going to end on this planet, what is the first thing that needs to happen?… We, as women, stop the violence we inflict upon ourselves every day and that way the world won’t mirror it back to us.”
I’ve been made aware of some of the ways I am still violating myself. In the dark hours of the night, I found my unconscious venomous words being used to injure those around me in ways I could not foresee. Now, I hadn’t intended to harm others. No. Never. However, my unconscious mind has practiced belittling myself for so long, that I now effortlessly belittle others without heeding their hearts and without paying attention to the cost.
I have committed to releasing myself from the bonds of victimhood and I’ve been on this journey for awhile so, now, the transformations are so subtle they can easily be missed. These very subtle shifts create huge waves of Light and heads me in the direction of fully living in Love. Because of the finely spun nature of the comment, however, there was no way I would have heard the meanness in the words I spoke. I couldn’t have caught the underlying cut to myself and the victim battle it would spark because I have been trained to be “okay” with meanness that is couched in humor. But, my commitment to myself has led me to enlist the support of a mentor who is willing to call me on these subtle matters that are laid over the much bigger picture.
It is in the bigger picture that my answer lies. It was there that I saw how I am still hiding, still abusing myself, still choosing to make myself small and inconsequential. It was in the bigger picture beneath the subtle, tiny word: favorite. It was there. Beneath the teasing, beneath the “just for fun” that I found that I was still wounding myself. Over and over and over.
I have been my own abuser. Time and again. Living in an abusive marriage was an external reflection of the violence within me. I remember that now.
Healing begins with awareness. I am so grateful for this awareness.