waves

This year, I have embarked upon the Grandest Adventure to date in my life. I am living the commitment to do things that I would normally say no to out of fear of being not enough and also to do things that stretch me way out of my comfort zone.

Living this year’s commitment has resulted in me saying “yes” to an experiment in relating that is completely unlike any relationship I have ever experienced, which has pushed me into the face of every Fear Monster I have ever created around my worthiness and enoughness, as well as every single archaic belief about relationships. It has me facing my tendency to be “stupid” and to get way out in front of the cart and horse. It has me looking at all of my stories and the fear that *I* actually generate for myself in relationship.

Living this year’s commitment has also resulted in me moving out of my father’s home, which has pushed me into the face of every Fear Monster I could ever create around money, bringing me right up to the edge of falling into the pit of despair around “How will I pay rent? How will I put gas in my car?” It has me looking at the choices I have made in the past, the commitment to “making it work” as an entrepreneur and what I judge to be abject failure in that department.

It has been an exquisite journey, the likes of which I could have never begun to imagined prior to embarking upon it. It has NOT been a roller coaster ride, though, with extreme ups and downs – a fact of which has me stunned and curious. Moreover, it has been an experience of even-keel sailing, devoid of dips or crests in the ocean. Just smooth as glass. Even as I have faced those Fear Monsters, danced with them, threw rocks at them, ran away from them, and returned… even as I did all of that, the emotional experience was stable, leveled out to sheer experience without added drama.

I have laughed until I couldn’t breathe. I have cried hard enough that my eyes ached. I have felt the emotions, the tears, clogging my throat until that exact moment when I see a ladybug or watch my daughter skip into her place of employment, and then the dam bursts and the tears fall, unheeded, hot, fierce.

I am loving myself so completely when I am alone, when I am with him, when I am staring at these Fear Monsters that surround me continually now. I am watching the atmosphere of “healing” in this world change, evolve, corrupt, crash, rise, and abuse. I am noticing my retreat from the front lines and my willingness to love myself so completely, so audaciously that I am willing to say “no,” declare things complete, and not look back.

I am making choices that surprise me; choices I wouldn’t have made a year ago, or even a month ago. And, through it all, I am moving forward on a path that is delightfully even, gently curving, and all my own. I don’t want to go back to who I was. I don’t want to return to what “used to be.” And I definitely don’t want to be someone other than who I am.

I have also noticed my reluctance to be the WaveMaker anymore. I used to long to be the one that made waves, made loud noises, shifted systems and protocols, got recognized for being someone who brought on the changes. I used to want to be the one who got things done for everyone, the one who effected change in this world, who transformed everything. I wanted to be known for making a difference. And suddenly, all I want now is to live. To live for me. To be human and experience what it means to be human. And simply live. Quietly. For me. For no one other than me. And to sail on a sea of reflective glass that is smooth and wave-free.

All of that is brand new for me, so there is a lot of unknown. And reflectively, a lot of fear. I’m growing used to being in fear now. And while I am not totally graceful in it, I AM grateful for it.

And there are the tears again.

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