Yesterday was a difficult day. It was the 14th day of my illness, which is wearing on my nerves. It was also a day when I went to the post office to find a letter I didn’t want and two unexpected bills – bills that I have no way to pay. That knowing sent me spiraling through fear so big I couldn’t breathe.
I cried and took some time to yell at God. I do that, sometimes. I yell at God. I figure that since I talk to Him regularly, I can occasionally yell at him. I know… balls… I’ve got balls.
At any rate, I yelled at Him good. I told him how scared I was. I told Him that I needed my needs to be met. I told Him that I’m doing what I know to do and being who I’ve been guided to be. I reminded Him, in case He didn’t know – although, He knows.
And I cried some more.
Then I said, “I need an answer. I need help. I can’t do this alone anymore. I don’t want to do this alone anymore. I need. help! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to go forward. I’m scared.” And then, for the coup de gras, I added, “Are you even there?! ARE!! YOU!! EVEN!! LISTENING?!”
Now, I’d love to say that, in that moment I heard a great big booming, still small voice that said, “Angie, I am here.”
But I didn’t. Not this time. It’s happened before when I have cried out to Him. But not this time.
I cried harder.
Then late last night, Kait and I were watching Being Erica on www.hulu.com. Being Erica is one of my all-time favorite series. It is creative, with a new premise and an excellent cast. At the end of the show, Erica – whose heart is broken by her own doing – leaves a box of stuff on the porch of her once best friend and lover. With tears in her eyes as she gets ready to drive, her voice lets us know what is in her mind: “Sometimes the only way to move forward is to stop moving, to stand still and to decide that no matter what happens and how much it hurts, you’re exactly where you wanna be.”
Okay. I heard You. Thank you.