Recently, a friend approached me, offering me an opportunity for her to professionally coach me. I am in a space wherein I know that I am unable and unwilling to take on any new endeavors, new expenses, or new constructs developed by other people so I said, “no, not now.”
She lovingly and kindly persisted, sharing with me ways she could help. It was a very moving and powerful dialogue and one that resulted in me overriding my original no, even though I was still hesitant.
For a few days, it ate at me. My willingness to continue to override myself is what has gotten me in this place of utter overwhelm and exhaustion. So… why in the hell was I still doing it?!!
Yesterday, I cancelled. I had to. And, as all good coaches do, she responded with a question: Angie, are you acting in fear or faith?
I paused and pondered the question, as I am wont to do. And came to a realization… The move to cancel that appointment was a move of ultimate faith. Fear would have had me jumping on that opportunity, which would have led me to further overextending myself. Fear would have had me responding as I have always responded: “Yes, Yes, Yes, I WILL do this! I have no more energy, but YES! Where do I sign up?” Saying “no” was THE BIGGEST show of faith I could have done in that moment.
I am in a space of surrender and surrendering is all I have, right now. My cancellation was me realizing that I have reached the limits of what I can do and what I am willing to do, at this time. When she made the offer, I knew where I was and that I was not willing or able to make any sort of additional commitments to anyone but myself, but I overrode myself then. I cannot do that to myself anymore.
Therefore, I am surrendering to the dying, to whatever it is that I am dismantling right now, so that I can be finished with this part of whatever contract has bound me to misery for so long. I am allowing this dying and I am finally choosing to go INTO it gently. This is what is right for me, right now.
When I am clear, again – and I WILL get clear again – I will begin again. Until that time comes, I am acting in faith and, for right now, that means I am allowing the consumption of myself by the flames within the abyss.