This morning I opened up facebook to do my morning ritual of recording how I feel or an intention or for what I am grateful. I began this daily practice as a way of having a physical place to land with myself and to give myself a moment to reflect on what I have created for my life thus far and what I want to create going forward. I started it as a way to support myself in becoming who I am meant to be here on this planet and to be of service to myself. I started it as a practice in loving me.
While waiting for everything to load, I closed my eyes and asked myself, “What is biggest in my heart today? What do I want to record?”
I breathed deeply and my eyes flew open wide when I suddenly realized I was experiencing a new sensation. I sat still, breathing gently as I watched myself with wonder, experiencing the delicious sensations and attempting to give it all a name… Home. That is what came to me. Home. I felt peaceful, calm, safe and strong. I felt centered and knowing and certain. I felt, for the first time, like I belonged right where I was, as I was. There was nothing required of me. No changing. No shifting. No bending or warping. There was no bowing to be done or questioning. There was no need to shield or deflect. I was home… in me.
It was the first time that I can remember feeling this way. It was breathtaking in its strength and solidness. I was stunned, actually, to discover that I was at home with me and on the heels of that realization came the logical knowing: I am at home with me wherever I am.
I must admit, I cried when that knowledge settled in. For as long as I can remember, I have been a contortionist who needed to be accepted and invited and welcomed in and wanted. With that came great efforts to conform and to change me based on external atmospheres. In the moment that the knowledge gently slid into my awareness, waking up to the truth of me, I felt a liberation that I’ve longed for but has always been elusive.
This freedom, this knowing, has come not through striving to gain it, but, instead, through focusing on developing a loving, kind and gentle relationship with myself. Falling in love with me has had a surprising result… I feel peace and at home.
And that is worth shedding gentle tears about.