So far, this year has been about “keepin’ on hangin’ on” for me. Even though I’m questioning the validity of my existence on this planet, I keep showing up. I keep hanging on. And, just as I am about to let go, a miracle happens. It has been quite stunning, quite agonizing, and quite beautiful all at once. There is nothing I can do to speed up the process or change the process. No amount of “being positive, thinking positive” has made things move differently, less painfully, or more in the direction and at the speed at which *I* want them to go.
I’ve done clearings. I’ve done meditations. I’ve packed and cleaned. I’ve ran clearings while I’ve slept. I’ve let go. I’ve forgiven. I’ve remembered and I’ve learned. I’ve done fire ceremonies and cacao ceremonies. I’ve done cleanses. I’ve rested a lot. I’ve moved my body. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve laughed a bit. I’ve done the phone calls and the interviews and the applications… endless applications. I’ve prayed. I’ve praised. I’ve done the gratitudes. I’ve done the visualizations. I’ve done it all. All the work. I’ve done it.
When inspired, I’ve connected with people, otherwise, I’ve stayed silent and inside. When offered invitations for playing or work, I’ve chosen wisely, saying yes to some things and no to most because that is what has felt in alignment with me. I’ve asked questions… endless questions. I have received assistance at perfectly timed intervals in ways that have left me breathless and crying. I’ve received gifts of readings and healings and processes with some of the most powerful healers I’ve connected with in a long time.
I’ve been more scared and exhausted than I remember being for a long time. I’ve felt more alone and not alone – all at the same time – than I remember experiencing. I’ve felt my heart break a hundred times and I’ve said, “I don’t understand, what am I missing?” a million more times than my heart has broken. I have fought and resisted. I have surrendered. More than I have ever done so before, I have surrendered.
No matter what I do, no matter how I be, this is *not* going like I need and want it to. And each time I near the frayed end of my rope, believing that it is time to let go, the rope regenerates itself and I keep on hangin’ on.
I am so tired.