I actually don’t like the fact that I remembered it was his birthday just now. That I looked at the calendar and saw the date, October 4th and on the heels of that noticing were the thoughts: It’s his birthday. He’d be… hmmm… how old now?
WHY DO I CARE? WHY DO I REMEMBER?!
One of the things about me that has been a blessing and a curse for my whole life is the fact that I have a memory that can recall the detail-i-est of details and a heart that never stops loving. I’ve had quite the journey with coming to understand what love really means and that it, actually, IS okay to call it complete with a soulmate and that, when someone breaks up with me and they are “done,” then I really can let them go.
Yeah… that has been one of the most difficult things for me to learn thus far – that I can let go.
So, when the memory of him randomly is triggered because of the date on the calendar, I wonder momentarily if I have succeeded in releasing him. Or rather, releasing myself. He is long gone – and has been for a long, long time. Apparently, releasing myself and letting go of the relationship doesn’t take the memories away. Dang it!
On the heels of that memory slideshow and on a random tangent, I had a memory of a few times when I spoke cruelly about another person behind their back. Generally, I’m a gentle person with a kind heart, (maybe because I am attempting to stay out of conflict and by being kind, that removes some of the nastiness of life.) But, at the core of me, there is a sincerely tender heart that feels the pains of others so I choose to not inflict more pain on them – and me – by saying things that are mean.
The two instances of my verbal cruelty are times that, when I remember them, I feel such horridness. Once was in sixth grade when I said some outrageous things about the mother of one of my friends right to my friends face. The other is when I spoke very badly about a woman whom I eventually came to trust and love. Both times, I was much older than “old enough to know better.”
The thing about memories is, I know them to be part of my learning process. I know that when particular thoughts/memories randomly surface and I pay them heed, then there is something for me to learn – and heal in them, if they are particularly painful. This morning, I feel curious about the link between my nasty mouth memories and the reminder that it is his birthday…
When I have clarity about it, I’ll let you know.