No, I’m not talking about motorcycles or bicycles. I’m talking about beginning-middle-ending cycles. For most of my life, I’ve had a difficult time being with the “middle” of what is happening in my life because I’ve been waiting for the ending that seemed to come far too quickly for me, which was always followed by a beginning that was generally terrifying. I missed the “middle” because I was in fearful anticipation of the future and mourning the past. As of late, I’ve striven to be aware of each moment IN that moment so that I can experience my life in present tense. Because of this, I’ve become more aware of my emotions, what is going on in my body and what I truly want in my life. This has, at times, been incredibly painful as all the emotions of the moment collided with one another in a messy pile of goo… or that messy pile of goo could have been me, sniveling and shrinking back from the experience of actually feeling my life. Yesterday was one of those days. So many emotions and so many thoughts and… I experienced it in every single moment as it happened, as I felt it, as I saw it, as I thought it – even though it was an astounding series of events. For that, I am really appreciating myself.
Today, I am appreciating… * my courage to pack up my sanctuary in the middle of the day, when people could have possibly seen me and think me to be a quitter, facing into that and knowing I have given it my all and it is time to move on * myself for facing that over-full storage unit that has most of my life crammed into it, feeling the tears roll down my face, struggling to make more room – a seemingly impossible task – and add to the collection all of my beautiful belongings from my sanctuary * my realization yesterday, as I drove away from packing up my office that I AM The Phoenix and, thus, it just may be time for me to return to the ashes once again, to rejuvenate and arise stronger, more beautiful and more powerful… that realization helped ease the bittersweet emotions of the ending * a delightful, spontaneous gathering of women – me, mom and her sister – in the middle of all the ending/sadness emotion, wherein I was provided the opportunity to connect and laugh and love * Netflix and their 30day free trial because it has given me plenty of ways to consciously choose to drift into numbness as the emotions have been so big these last few days… giving myself a break from the onslaught of feeling * getting ready to go on air in a few moments with absolutlely no idea of what I am going to say, without a script and feeling peaceful about that.
I am feeling tender, quiet and beautifully alive. What a wild combo platter of sensations!