WOW! What a week this has been! Full of lessons and self-transformation as I hold space for teaching the skills in “The Fundamentals” series of shows on blogtalkradio.com. I always love how I experience every topic on an amped-up level, as I go before you on the pathway of transformation. It is so humbling to be called to serve in this way and to experience the changes, the love and the amazing honor of being witness to transformation.
In light of the fact that I am holding space for international healing and transformation, as people around the globe join the Fundamental movement, it is only logical that *I* will be in my own rapid-fire-paced transformation. As a result, I’m in constant “workshopping mode” – moving, forgiving myself, loving myself and, honestly, being in total awe about my capabilities.
Each day there is something for me to look at, recognize, embrace or release. I am continually called to accountability, to release my programs that no longer serve me or mankind, heal my DNA, and… draw nearer to my Divine Nature… to become one with Source and to be fully in Love.
This morning, I had the gift of an impromptu spiritual transformation session facilitated by my best friend, Jen of Everyday Joy. It is an incredible experience to be paired with this powerful woman as a co-facilitator and then, to have that power used in support of my transformation is chill-evoking, life-affirming and all-around A-MAZING!
The coaching call started even before the sun rose and caught me by surprise. I had thought we were going to be talking about her experiences of yesterday and the new awarenesses she had expanded into. Joke was on me, though. She picked up on something that was brewing for me and began asking questions. I felt the emotions begin to bubble and the resistance began mounting a full-on protective attack. The walls were going up fast and I knew we were going into an area that I had refused, for so long, to look at.
Suddenly, I was in session and the room was glowing with an eery gold light. Prompted to open the curtains, I was graced with the vision of the beginnings of what was sure to be a stunning sunrise. Dressed only in shorts and my nightshirt, I followed the inspiration to go out into the cool autumn morning and cross the icy, dewy grass to the playground a few houses away from where I live. There, I had a clear view of the valley and the rising sun as it displayed the glorious colors of the dawning day.
I was awash in gratitude and love as the beauty unfolded before my eyes. Breathless with wonder, filled to overflowing with a lifetime of held-in emotions and feeling the impact of their release, I burst into tears and cried a heartbroken cry. I cried for the little-girl me who didn’t know who she was, why she was here and what meaning there was to life. I cried for the young woman who chose to build relationships of abuse in one way or another all in the hope that the next “boy” would have the answers she was seeking. I cried for the woman who married the love of her life only to discover an unimaginable hell full of horrors never before experienced. I cried and I cried, sobbing and heaving the pain clear up from my toes.
I remember crying out at one point, “Ah, Jen! I want this lesson to be done! It hurts so much. I want it over.”
She quietly responded, “Honey, you’re almost there. You’re almost there. Breathe and hold on… you’re almost to the place where you can let go.”
The emotions were big. They were scary. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to know what I had done to myself. I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to be accountable for my ongoing choices.
But… I chose to be Accountable. I chose to Forgive. I chose Love.
I breathed ragged, deep breaths and felt the emotions crashing around me in a discordant symphony until, suddenly, there was harmony and stillness. Tears still trickling, the messages started coming through for me to hear… you are Loved… you are Known… I am there with you… you are Mine… you are Blessed… and… most importantly… You DO know.
For most of my life, I have ran the programs “I am not enough. I am not worthy. I am unloveable.” And, the program that has masqueraded beneath those programs: I don’t know.
I have sought answers outside of myself, giving my power to everyone else who, of course, must be more knowledgeable than me because I’m not enough. Everyone else had the answers I sought. And, as a result, when I would gain knowledge, I would grasp it tightly, clinging to it and refusing to share it. Or I would gloat… see what *I* know!!! It’s part of the reason why my Recorder is so developed. I had to record everything so I, at least, knew something, all while believing I didn’t know.
As I face into healing this program, I’m beginning to understand that there is no way to teach another how to let go. It is simply the act of releasing the death grip and choosing to fill the space with Love. How that looks for you is possibly very different from how my process looked to me.
And what I know now is… I AM Love. I AM Free. And I AM ME!