I am a verbal processor; my transformation comes through my words. Verbal processors only need hear their own words to find their answers. For me to understand myself, it is helpful that I get whatever it is I am processing out in front of me so I can examine it. The person I am working with doesn’t even need to offer input because the act of me speaking and having those words bounce back at me causes the shift. This magic of transformation through the spoken word is why I am comfortable with situations where I am speaking to large audiences.
Because I am also innately a writer, I can do this metamorphosis through the written word, as well. When I write, I am in dialogue. It is the magic of me… I channel through writing. People often ask why I post my private musings and detailed recounting of my personal work online for all the world to read. I do it because when there is something I am learning, I understand it more completely when I write it. And… bonus! If I post it here, sometimes others learn too…
And… here is what I am learning right now…
There is something that I truly love about my life: I have created an open feedback loop with several key people in my life to whom I have given permission to ask me the ballsy questions. Questions that, were anyone else to ask them, the Warrior Queen would yell, “OFF WITH THEIR HEAD!” But these people have proved to be trusted, loyal advisors and beloveds who have supported me for a very long time, so they have a pass.
Because of this, when I am in the abyss, those closest to me are behind the scenes asking those really hard questions and listening to me. It takes great courage on their part and a lot of tenacity because my abyss time is well-guarded. I do not come out in the world, open and willing to share. I also do not invite people in to this space. So, when one of them gets the nudge to reach out to me, I’ve been told – after the fact – that it felt a lot like going into the dragon’s lair all while expecting they would be burned to a crisp. Dragon… Phoenix… same-same, so I can understand their hesitancy.
While I am in the abyss, there is a great amount of inner work going on and when I feel divinely guided to do so, I surface to share what I’ve discovered and then plunge back in until the flames within the abyss have subsided and all is quiet again.
Yesterday’s learning was sparked by a beloved friend asking these questions: Is it possible that the feeling that for someone else to get what they want, you have to not get what YOU want, started when your first sibling was born? Does this stem from a deep-seated feeling of lack or restriction? Like, there’s only so much love to go around, so much attention, so much money, and if someone gets what they want, that means I don’t get what I want?
These sorts of questions have been posed to me before so when they surfaced again, it gave me pause. In that pause, I discovered… at one point I did have a belief that everything was limited and if everyone got what they wanted, there was nothing left for me…
Now, though, when I looked to see if that program was still running, what came up was… I believe in abundance for everyone, even me. AND… right now, I am experiencing a lot of personal frustration and confusion. I am having difficulty with the concept of, “Deep positivity knows that Life will have your back even when you don’t manifest what you want,” because it feels like Life does not have my back. Because of my own state of disarray, I am hibernating, attempting to increase my energy and manifesting abilities, and really focusing my intent on creation for myself. It isn’t that I am begrudging the joy and magic that others are experiencing; it is that I am confounded by my own experience.
I’ve been here before. I have experienced this discomfort numerous times throughout my life and it usually is right before a gigantic transformation. I have gotten no more graceful with it than when I first consciously experienced the life/death/life energy of The Phoenix.