Last year, at this time, I was going through HUGE heartache from the ending of a significant relationship. I was so sad and angry and hurt. It took everything I had to keep going, to choose to stay on this planet.
One year later, it still hurts, dammit. And, yet, it doesn’t have the acidic punch that it had 13 months ago. I want to forget all that once was – the bad AND the good. Because, although there was so much good in that relationship, in the end, the bad shattered me.
In this relationship, I woke up to my magic. I learned of my abilities. I had magical, metaphysical experiences I had never before even imagined. I played in the Mysterium – the realm where all things are possible. I discovered The Sentinelle that I be. And… oh dear lord… I felt more pain through many phases of it over the years than I knew I was able to withstand.
For me, the situation that led me to letting go of the relationship altogether was the most brutal betrayal – far surpassing the violence, deceit, and infidelity that was in my marriage 20 years ago. My former husband was unknowing of how to exist as a healthy human, he had been abused and neglected his entire life. This is not an excuse; it is THE reason he lived destructively: he did not know Love. I took his betrayals in stride because I could see what was truth. It didn’t lessen the pain of it all, but it helped me cope.
This relationship, from which I am still healing, apparently, (cuz I had NO idea when I started this post that we were going HERE) was with someone who had been my witness, someone who had grown beside me, who believed as I believed, who had the same tools and skills I have, who was awake to the truth. And, in the end, I experienced the complete turnaround of all that we had vowed to be to and for one another into something unrecognizable.
Suddenly, this person I had experienced as being supremely transparent, accountable, open to feedback, willing to discuss anything, and collaborative, became the darkest shadow of all that had once been. It turned me inside out and I still don’t even understand what happened. I am STILL so hurt.
The tools of our trade and my very personal vulnerabilities – the tender underbelly of me that I allow very few people to see and know – was used against me as a weapon and this person I had loved across time and space became my destroyer.
I was stunned. I was knocked on my ass for a very long time. And, in some ways, I’m still scooting my ass along the ground because I cannot yet stand. In some ways, I am still weeping, although there are no tears.
Why am I sharing all this?
My #DearSensitives… humans can be mean. Humans can shock the shit out of you and leave you curled in the fetal position, sobbing. Humans can project and ignore and willfully hurt others. Humans can be abusive and unaccountable. Even the humans who have awakened can still slide into the shadow of themselves (especially the “Love and Light” crew who choose to ignore the dark) and wreak supernatural havoc.
Humans CAN BE all that. All at once, even.
When we choose to allow the mean humans to dictate who we are, when we choose to stay down and remain silent, when we choose to continue to absorb abuse in the name of Love, we do a great disservice to ourselves and our purpose.
As painful as it is to let go and allow the physical separation that will create the space and time needed to heal, that IS the healthiest avenue to take. If it is core-level abuse, it may take years to regather yourself, to finally and fully let go and forgive, and to find willingness to open again.
Be gentle with yourself. Choose you. You deserve a life of Love, Joy, and Peace.