My pattern in life, generally, is go, go, GO, GO, GO! GO! GO! CRASH!!! #$&$%*&$%$!
I know this about myself and it is something I am wondering about. Wondering how I can go through life more easefully.
Last night it played out in my dreams. It was an uncomfortable night with very little deep, healing sleep. I stayed near the surface, tossing and turning and never relenting to the cushion of repose. I dreamt of going, going, GOING! And then I would explode into bits. The bits would land as bizarre Seuss-like animals, ironically enough, and become lodged head-first in the walls and earth. When it would be time for me to leave the room I was in, I would have to gather all the parts and pieces of myself and figure out how to reabsorb these now-alien particles. Inevitably, an important part would be buried irretrievably and I would slink out of the room hoping no one would notice the mess I was leaving behind, nor the gaping hole that the missing piece would leave. Over and over it went. Room after room, I would leave behind one piece of me until I was a tattered mess, wobbling and unable to stand.
It’s a fairly blatant message, I think.
And yet, I have no idea how to do it differently. I have asked this before and find myself asking it again and more often as of late… how do I do/be something differently if what I am doing/being – is all that I know? I would think that if I had access to different responses, I would have done that long ago. Yes?
I feel sad about the bits and pieces of me, which scatter upon the crash, that are getting irreparably damaged and resolutely lodged in areas wherein I cannot gather myself back into myself. I am evermore aware of the phantom limbs and guts which pain me, mostly because they are lost and alone in the wilderness desert I am journeying.
Perhaps that is why I feel so alone right now. Parts of me are scattered from hell to breakfast and beyond and I have no way of calling them in.
Ack… now I feel scared.