As a #DearSensitive, I was INTENSELY sensitive as a child, aware of so much around me that the adults were oblivious to. I was raised in an environment that was generally loving, kind, and safe. However, out in the world, I picked up on stuff, witnessed stuff, and FELT stuff, that could not be imagined by the gentle people who were raising me. While I was not raised in an environment of violence, my parents were and that energy within them was never healed. I absorbed it. All of it. So that I could understand it. However, I didn’t know that until about a decade ago.
In my life coach training, the facilitators had often said, “Watch your clients for patterns because they will often be bringing to you stories that match that which you need to heal in your own life.” So, when I graduated from massage school, finished my Reiki Master internship with my Master Teacher, and opened my doors to receive clients, I was startled that my practice instantly filled with people who had suffered sexual abuse as children – some of them through ritual abuse in the name of religion.
I called up my mentor one day, after an entire schedule of back-to-back sessions with clients whose stories made me weep and feel physically ill from the level of toxins released in the healing of them, and I asked her, “Could it be possible that *I* was sexually abused and I don’t know it?”
“I don’t know, Ang,” she said. “Does that feel true to you?”
“I don’t know what feels true anymore after the day I have had. All I know is, you taught me to watch for patterns. This is a pretty blatant one. Four clients in one day with stories of sexual abuse that was so horrific that I nearly need to vomit?”
“Maybe it is more about you needing to recognize ways that you have experienced or are experiencing sexual abuse but are not aware. Ways that are not actually physically sexual but are more like… your energy is experiencing it as sexual abuse…”
It was then that I began to explore all the ways that I had picked up on abuse and experienced it to understand it. On every level, I have experienced abuse. When I began to look beyond my gentle childhood and safe home, I saw all the ways I had experienced abuse, unbeknownst to anyone around me.
To this day, my heart breaks for each child – because, in truth, EVERY person who sits in front of me IS only a child – who has been sexually violated. Each time, one of them sits in front of me, talks with me, shares nothing with me about the sexual abuse, and yet I still see it, I still hear it, I still witness their soul crying out for their human to be released from the shame they carry because someone else violated them… every time that happens and I ask them, “Have you been sexually abused?” it never gets easier. More often than not, they are horrified and ashamed, when I see them in that ultimate vulnerability. And, without fail, they cry gigantic tears and gut-wrenching sobs because for many of them, this is the first time they have been seen and honored for the pain they have endured.
Many of the people who are guided to me are telling someone for the very first time that they have been sexually abused. Many of them have told someone before but that one person ignored them, shut them down, belittled them, pretended like nothing happened, or said things like “you need to get over yourself.” Sadly, I have heard that story more often than I can count and each time I hear it, The Sentinelle I be stands firmly with her sword drawn and The Phoenix I be flares to life with fires so hot I nearly melt. And, instantly, I am ready to go to the front lines for the person who is clinging to my hand with a trembling death grip.
If you have been abused and kept it silent as a means of protecting yourself, I feel you. If you have shared your story with someone who has negated it or you, I feel you. If you are ready have the arms of The Sentinelle and the wings of The Phoenix wrap around you and to drop your burdens at my feet, I feel you. I am here for you and I am here to honor your story, be witness to your pain, and hold your hand as I escort you out of Hell. Reach out, take my hand. Sanctuary is waiting for you.
And… for those of you who have chosen to hurt the children, I see you. Those of you who have chosen to cover up for someone else who has hurt the children, I see you. Those of you who have not protected the children, I see you. There will come a day when you will be made to stand and face the judge and jury for your crimes. I am not the judge and jury. I am the witness. And I will never be silenced.
Please, if you suspect any child is being hurt in any way, PLEASE TAKE ACTION. REPORT IT!
National Hotline: 1-800-4-A-Child -or- 1-800-422-4453