Truth reveal here…
For several weeks now, I have been considering what I am doing with my life, if what I am doing is working, and if I am happy with what I am doing. This process has had me looking at my life through the lens called “what is working well?” There has been a lot of focus on the “do” of my life as I have always resonated more with the “do” than I have with the “be.” “Be” has not ever really made much sense to me and I have discovered that even my “be” is rooted in a vast amount of “do.”
So… how did this all get started?
2009 was a really tough year for me. That year, in June, I experienced my second near-death experience and almost chose out. It took six hours for me to choose IN to this life. Six hours before I chose to come back to Earth and stay.
Then, in September, my then-boss made some horrific choices in his personal life, which resulted in his arrest and the immediate closure of the business for which I ran the office at that time, turning my life upside down and inside out. Everything that I “was” through what I was “doing” suddenly evaporated in a matter of just seconds – and it was all outside of my control. Although I could see him spiraling downward at a rate that was actually quite impressive, I had no idea that the implosion he detonated would be that drastic or that the ripples coming toward me from his wake were going to be so devastating.
That year, I was also in the final stages of training in life coaching. I was part of a community that was slowly – and then abruptly – imploding and I could see it, but I stayed, thinking I was imagining things and that my sense of impending doom was just me being paranoid. So, I was there when the entire construct disintegrated, in October, taking a lot of tender hearts with it.
So… maybe it wasn’t the whole 2009 that was tough, but was, instead, that four-month stretch. Yeah. That was a really brutal chunk of time.
In two out of three of those situations, I could see the disastrous ending coming and I stayed on those sinking ships. I don’t know if it was morbid curiosity that kept me there or sheer stupidity or just because I didn’t know what the hell else to do, but whatever it was, I stayed. And in the end, when that year drew to a close, my year-end review post started out like this:
Never in my life have I been more grateful to see a year come to a close. Generally, I face the end of each year with gratitude and a little bit of wistfulness and although there is gratitude this yearend, the gratitude comes from a much different angle than it generally does. This year the gratitude stems from the fact that 2009 is over because this year developed into one of the biggest years of painful lessons and growth and ended up being nothing that I could have ever imagined.
So, if it’s 2015, why am I talking about all this stuff from 2009?
That year, that tumultuous, bumpy, life-threatening, life-altering year changed the course of my entire life. It changed the way I look at myself. It changed the way I thought about life. It changed the way I thought about money and “do” and “have.” That year began the final tearing down of everything that I once held as important and stripped me completely to the bare bones of necessity.
And I’ve stayed there.
In 2009, we were in an economic slump. There were no jobs and thousands of people were competing for the meager offerings available. Every job that I could apply for, I did. And in the six months following the immediate cessation of my income in September, I went on a total of two interviews. The first one told me they wouldn’t hire me because I was overqualified and I would be bored. The second one told me they wouldn’t hire me because I was too perfect for the job. Go figure.
Why don’t you do massage full time? You’ve got the license to. People couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do massage full time. Massage doesn’t light me up. And if you don’t even like doing massages, you make for a crappy massage therapist. While massages feel good, I could see the truth underneath the physical pain. Massage is too superficial for me. I wanted to work in the core – energy and emotions. But, people still are having a hard time grasping the concept of energy healing. It is too ethereal. Some people even fear it, saying that it’s voodoo magic. And, if they “get it,” they have some sort of funky belief that it’s a spiritual practice so they shouldn’t have to pay for it. And so doing my work as an Energy Healer full time was only possible if I did it for free… which… how do you pay your bills on “free”?
So, I went to school and got a degree in Graphic Design, thinking that an entirely new career path was needed. And I loved it. And, when I was done, in 2013, the idea of punching a clock made my skin crawl.
So, I choose the freelancer’s path. I put myself out there. I worked hard for those I paired up with. I created flyers and branded businesses and did newsletters and managed databases and built a few websites and designed business cards and laid out books and completed book covers and… it is now 2015 and I’m still struggling to pay rent. Why can’t I make this entrepreneurial thing work??!
I have this thought that I’m not meant to be tied to a job or a career. I’m meant to walk this earth freely, placing my hands upon people, connecting with them, showing them love, shining the light. I’m designed to show people the truth of themselves and wake them up. I have been created to show up, Phoenix in tow, and support the life-death-life process, being witness to the greatness of humanity. It is my Purpose and I can sense that my Purpose is also supposed to be my living… and I’m still struggling to pay rent.
And that last sentence, it is what has gotten me to thinking about what is working in my life.
I have been so abundantly blessed through this process. 2009 really kicked my ass and brought me to my knees in some of the biggest, most painful ways I couldn’t have ever imagined had I not experienced them for myself. It stripped away a vestige of my innocence that I wasn’t aware was there beforehand, but I know now that it’s gone. And I will never be able to repair the hole left where it once was. It mangled my hope for a long time and only last year did I begin to surface out of the darkness of repetitive hopelessness.
Today, though, I’m looking at the last six years and I’m really asking… Is what I’m doing actually working?
The continual onslaught of money questions and worries is a heavy weight upon my shoulders. The call back to Corporate America and it’s erotic lure of “security” is no longer a lie I believe. I’ve experienced what happens when that lover reveals her cards and yanks the entire casino, not just the tablecloth atop the table, out from under you. I’ve seen her pettiness and her fabricated security. I’ve seen the damnation of commercialism and debt and struggle and the slow dying under it all.
The problem I’m having today is the same problem I was having in early 2009 – the money coming in is not enough to match the money going out. My outgo surpasses my income. The year is different – I’m six years older and supposed to be six years wiser – but the stress is the same. So, I’m smart enough to know that the problem is not external.
My outgo surpasses my income…
Things have gotten really uncomfortable in my internal environment so I’m wanting to run away and that is resulting in me getting utterly blasted in the face with the consequences of my choices. And it’s providing me the space to really look at all that IS in my present moment… the delicious and the not-so-delicious.
I’m seeing my aloneness in a space where I know I am not alone.
I am seeing my financial worries in a space where I have had everything covered. Not smoothly. Not on time. But always covered. Eventually.
I’m seeing my daughter getting ready to jump out of the nest and I’m not really ready for her to do so. I have always imagined that my life would be in such a different place when she got ready to fly away in earnest. I really thought I would have a life, a lover, a home that she could come to for Sunday dinners and sleep overs when she needs her mom.
And OH MY GOD!!! I am laughing right now at the Universe’s humor. This is the BEST example of how the Universe is at play with me…
I’m writing along, bemoaning the state of my life and had just written, “sleep overs when she needs her mom” when my phone rings. I answer. No one is there. Phone starts ringing on other end. Someone picks up. Female answers.
Me: Uh… yes? Hello? You called me?
Female: Is this Angie?
Female: I am calling from blahdy-blahdy-blah of the United States blahdy-blah-credit department to inform you that you have been randomly selected to receive a grant of $7,000.
Now, I have been applying for jobs and grants and programs for several months so the word “grant” caught my attention. Generally, I say “take me off your call list” immediately and hang up, but this one had me holding the line. I was going to stay on this ship.
Female: Last December, the government did an audit of the people in your area looking for people who paid their taxes, had not claimed bankruptcy in the last six months, and were not late on their bills. That is you?
(However, what you don’t know lady is that was only by sheer dumb luck during THAT time, not because it has been par for the course for my life since 2009, but please, DO go on…)
Female: You will be able to use this $7000 grant for anything, no strings attached and you’ll never have to pay it back. It is a grant that you can use on medical expenses, vacation, paying taxes, or paying off credit cards. You can receive this money in several different ways, you choose. Would you like your money deposited to your checking or savings account, on your Visa or Mastercard or other credit card, or in cash?
I was laughing quietly by this point, seeing the divine humor in the situation and seized the opportunity to play along.
Me: *exclaiming joyfully* I would LOVE to have it in cash!
And, as I’ve been writing all this, the Universe drops two – not one, but two – reminders into my email. The first one is this video:
And the second is an email from my “future self” that reads:
I haven’t a care in the world, Angie. I flow through my day knowing I am fully abundant, as prosperous as I desire, completely safe and secure, and totally, absolutely loved. Do you know how great that feels?
And then, I get to do exciting things! Oh I find my whole life thrilling. My “work” isn’t work, it is a joy and a passion. I do love it so.
Even beyond work there are so many joyous and exciting things to do. But here’s the deal—whatever I do, be it a walk in the park or watching the news—I do it fully and completely—do you understand? I’m there. I’m present. And I receive so many gifts that way.
I’ll tell you what IS working (and this is the truth I had no idea I was revealing today!)… when I start taking life too seriously and get my panties all bunched up in a wad over whether or not I’m going to ever get the money to fix my car so that the “check engine” light will go off, it is waaaaaay beyond time for me to laugh and shift how I am looking at my life. Truth is… you ain’t never going to get anywhere positive if you’re stuck in the negative. Just sayin’!
Surprise, Angie! This post ended up being nothing that you thought it would be! Back on track, girl!