sad healer

Recently, I’ve been sent several clients who are saying one thing, but meaning another. In my article, Not on My Watch, I wrote about this very phenomenon and how I’ve gotten clear that I will not violate another in the name of honoring their spoken word. It is important to me that I honor their unspoken “no,” but what about my own?

I talk a lot about how grateful I am that I’ve gotten clear on the kind of work I do. I’m so grateful I know that I work with people who are willing to go into their darkness, uncover their truths, and heal themselves. I am so grateful I know that I require my clients to be 100% accountable for their own experience and their own emotions, thoughts, actions, and beliefs. I am so grateful to know I expect 100% honesty from them.

Part of the reason I require this is because I can SEE everywhere that they are out of integrity. And through my work, I go about unearthing that, uncovering that, so they can let it go and heal it. If anyone is unwilling to face themselves, it makes the work excruciating and ineffective, resulting in a big waste of everyone’s time and energy and money. And, oh man! It hurts when I do it work like that, so I don’t. I can’t anymore. There was a time that I did, but I am no longer interested in fighting to get my clients to be more engaged in their lives than I am.

And I’m grateful I  know the intense level of accountability I require because I can convey it to prospective clients who then get to choose for themselves if they are willing to man up for that level of commitment. It’s a no brainer – and there is no more convincing… of anyone.

Except me.

I am a little confused as to why *I* am still being convinced to do something against my will. Why am I willing to honor another’s unspoken “no,” but not my own? Why am I willing to ignore myself when my internal “no” is so loud that I cannot hear anything but it – and I still say “yes”? And why, for the love of all that is holy, why when I am scared to say “no,” do I choose to say nothing at all so that the other person believes they have the right of way and I experience an energetic violation that I can blame on no one but myself, but I do not realize that until afterward? Why?!

Apparently, I am facing into a new “Level Up” when it comes to my work, which I’ll share with you in a moment, but I’m a little bit flabbergasted right now. And feeling so sad.

I’m not sure where this pattern of “saying nothing instead of no” started for me. However, I distinctly remember the biggest event of it – during my twenty-first year, the night I lost my virginity – which I wrote about in detail in my book Above the Clouds. That night, I loved that young man so much and firmly believed we would be together for eternity and I really wanted to experience sex, but the bigger part of me was screaming “NO” while I remained silent and engaged in the process.

That night came spiraling back to me recently, with painful clarity and tear-filled eyes, as a client (I’ll call her Sue) walked away from my table with the most insulting energy I’ve experienced pouring off someone in a very long time. She had questioned me about my work. I had explained to her what I do with utmost detail, emphasizing the level of accountability and honesty required, in the hopes that she would say “Ah hell no” because I knew that *I* did not want to sit with her. Whether she was willing to be accountable or not, it didn’t matter. *I* didn’t want to work with her. For whatever reason, it was a solid, screaming “HELL NO!” for me.

And when she walked away after a few minutes of explanation about my work, I felt grateful. Happy, even. A great big ole “SHEWY! I dodged a bullet there!” went over me and I nearly did a happy dance.

Another client showed up and it was delightful, expansive, loving, beautiful.

Then, Sue showed back up. The other client had barely walked off and Sue approached with the statement, “I see that you’re still available for me.”

Inside, everything in me was shrieking, “NO, ANGIE! NO! DON’T DO THIS!”

I felt scared. I felt defensive. I felt like I wanted to hit her, smack her really hard across the face for being condescending to me. I wanted to attack her. A pure sign that I had gone way into defense mode and something was about to happen. It was also a sign that the something would be unpleasant.

I know this about myself. I’ve learned this lesson over and over and over. And still, I stayed mute. It was as if my very tongue had been cut out of my head. I gave neither a “yes” or a “no”… I just gave… no words. At. All. Dead silence.

And still, she sat down in front of me, without an invitation from me – and against my unspoken will. She sat down and I remained silent. I swallowed my “no” and settled in for my own experience of the torture chamber.

Everything that her Guides were showing me, I shared with her and she debated, defended, justified, or rationalized. If I spoke lovingly, she retaliated. If I spoke gently, she fought it too. If I spoke bluntly or harshly, she got bigger into her story. No amount of me changing me was going to change her. EVER. And, yet, I kept trying, all while my detached observer was bellowing at me, “STOP, ANGIE! RUN! AWAY! NOW!”

For every question she asked, she already had the “right” answer and she told me that “right” answer, after I shared with her what her Guides wanted her to hear. For every observation I shared, she had a counterpoint that proved to me and the world – although, truth be told the only person convinced of it was her – that she truly IS The World’s Biggest Victim. She was stuck in Strong Victim and willing to go down fighting for her right to be beat up, put upon, abused, violated, and drained by anything and any place and any person. I am not exaggerating when I say that Sue believed the world was on the attack and its sole prey was her.

Eventually, I literally threw up my hands and said, “Sue, it sounds like you already know yourself well. It sounds like you have already uncovered your answers. I don’t know how I can be of further assistance to you. I cannot reach you. No matter what I say to you regarding what your Guides are showing me, you know better. I don’t know that I am being of service to you; it feels more like I’m poking at you and that is not the kind of work I do. I’m interested in bringing love to this planet, not inflicting pain on another.”

Sue replied, “You are further proof that I do know myself better than anyone else and I have to trust myself and I must not give my power away to people like you.”

“I fully agree, 100%!” I said, grinning happily. It was true! I did agree with her! Know yourself, trust yourself, hold your own power! YES!!! It’s what I want everyone to experience.

And… I was still feeling whipped, flogged, beaten, and broken. I was in full surrender to the torture I had called on myself and I was no longer willing to fight her.

She agreed wholeheartedly with me and continued on for another five minutes to convince me about how powerful she is and what she is here to do. I am grateful she can see her power. I am grateful she knows her purpose. It’s what I’m here to do… help people remember their power and their purpose. I felt happy for her.

And for me, I was completely devastated.

Sue went to pay at the register and came back to my table. Instead of handing me the money, she threw it on the table and said, “Here you go, lady.” – she really did call me “lady” – then she turned around, stormed off, her energy spewing vileness in all directions. And I crumbled.

She had regaled me with tales of environmental attacks on her sensitive physical system, allergic reactions to things that have resulted in removal of her organs, vampiric attacks on her powerful energetic systems, and other such sordid stories and she refused to hear that all of that attack was going on inside herself first.  She IS the magnetron generating the attacks. No matter how lovingly I begged her to open her eyes and let herself out of that horror, she believed that it was happening to her and she was unwilling to change it.

I was her once. I really was. It’s why I hurt as I sat there, seeing all the leaking toxic energy, all the blame, all the resentment, all the judgment that she was carrying around. I could see the weight of it, crushing her down, causing her body to tremble beneath all that she was carrying, but she wouldn’t liberate herself. She wouldn’t cull up the courage necessary to begin to break out of the shell of Strong Victim. That pain, that misery… it was her sanctuary.

And for me, I realized, it is time to “Level Up,” in my work. It is time for me to honor my “NO” and when it’s there, it is time for me to lovingly say, “I am not willing to work with you. Here are some people who may be willing.”

I know I’ve been saying this for a few days now, that I’m grateful I refer people on to others when I can see they aren’t ready for me and that it’s for their own good that I do so. Now, it’s time for me to begin referring people on when I can see they aren’t ready for me, and it’s for my own good that I do so.

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