He wouldn’t stop talking. He called seemingly every single person in his phone to tell the same story and catch up with long lost friends. With every call he said, “I called you last week, but you didn’t answer.” Then, invariably in the same call, he would say, “I’m not one who calls people.” He talked about whether or not “the church” was true based on whatever topic they were discussing. He shared how he had talked his way into an upgraded ticket on his next flight. And he laughed… this really weird laugh that had my skin crawling up my back every time it rolled out of his mouth – which was every 5 seconds.

And I was trapped with him. Riding a shuttle between long distance cities is an experience that everyone should have, at least, once in their lives.

Generally, I am easy going and I let people do what they’re going to do. It usually doesn’t bother me if someone has a creepy laugh or can’t stop talking. But, last night, I was not on my game and, by the end of the 4-hour ride, I wanted to throttle him.

And, no amount of me ho’0ponoponoing myself into oblivion helped me at all.

No matter how much I tried to love him and accept him, I just couldn’t. I wanted to push him out the sliding door of the van at every single stop. And by the time I landed in SLC, I was exhausted with the battle of trying so very hard to find the God in him, to love him and appreciate him.

There are times, when I am faced with things like this, that I question myself and all I stand for. And it’s generally at these times that my Beat-Up Saint comes out and begins punishing me for being less of a loving person than I “ought to” be. I strive to be loving and forgiving continually.

And sometimes, I fall far short of my goal.

Last night was one of those nights.

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0 Responses to Jabberjaw

  1. jen says:

    I definitely believe in loving everyone, and there is always good to be found AND it’s okay if you (or I) don’t always find it… You were overwhelmed or tired or just needed silence. His need to talk made it so you didn’t have your needs met.

    I love you. Just wanted to tell you that.

  2. There are certain personalities i struggle with loving & I consider myself a very loving person also. Selfishness, disregard for other feelings, property, freedoms, rights…the list goes on & on. Usually though people have to do something pretty horrible to me with intention for me to struggle with such feelings. I’ve also heard that when someones character sheds a light on a part of you, you may dislike that can bring a lot of subconscious resentment, so I guess that happens to me at times too.

    I think if you can’t love someone you can certainly pity them which is not in the hate category… I find I can’t move out of my dislike for someone by extending pity.

    Pity, their insecurity’s that makes them think they need everyone in the world to hear about who they are. Pity them for their self importance that thinks the world is better for hearing what they think. Pity them because maybe they fear silence because they can’t stand themselves enough to be alone in their thoughts so they must keep the noise of distraction going on & on. Pity them for thinking they have to prove something whether it is that their thoughts are valid or that there are people out there who care to listen…pity them because they can’t be content to just be without worrying about what others think of them not what would be the best conduct for those around them. Pity them for that false awareness…which is self focus with extreme internal & external blindness.

    I make all these assumptions because I don’t need to have such conversations in the presence of strangers & if I did I would think those would be my motives… Then maybe after you pity them you can say a prayer for them & let go of the bad feeling.

    • I appreciate your point of view and thank you, so much, for taking the time to shar it with me. Using pity is an interesting twist, an interesting approach. Thank you for giving me another way to look at it.

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