It’s quiet here today. I am alone in a cool house. I’ve opened a few curtains here and there, but in the living room, it is shady. The window is open and outside in this tree:
there is a bird hiding who is singing for all she is worth. She sings and a partner answers from somewhere else in the nearby trees. From my computer streams the sounds of gentle music and I feel peaceful, productive, loving.
There are times, still, when my breath catches because I suddenly become aware that *I* am responsible for this beautiful life I have created. My life is a direct consequence of my choices and, although some of those choices have had surprising consequences, I am pleased with what is.
At one point in my life, that was not so. I spent much of my time wondering why my life wasn’t like it was “supposed to be” that, somehow, I had been “given” the wrong life to live or I had “ended up” in the wrong story. I spent a lot of time pointing outwards and blaming the condition of my life on those around me – my parents, my church, my boyfriends who broke my heart. It was always someone else’s fault because my life was not a life that I wanted to be living.
Once I took a good hard look at the fact that MY life is MY life and it is the result of MY choices, then I took accountability for that. Someone once told me, “You have in your life what you WANT in your life and you know that you want it because it is here!”
Well, that sucked!
If I had an empty bank account, an abusive husband, a job I hated and so on… why in the hell would I want all that?
Because I was not consciously choosing what I did want, I was landing in places and with people that were dissatisfying. My unconscious mind was running the show and I was a victim of circumstances at every turn. It was such a disempowering way to live.
I was the cause, not the effect of my life.
I was faced with the choice once upon a time – well, three times upon a time – to stay here or go. The first time, which came just months on the heels of making the commitment: I commit to being fully alive, I chose to stay because I wanted to watch my daughter grow up. The second time I chose to stay because I wasn’t really ready to leave. The third time, I chose for me – I WANTED TO LIVE!
This year, more than any other year in our history, is the year of Choice. Every moment of our lives is an opportunity to choose YOU. And to continue to choose you. Time and again.
When I began to choose me and choose to be accountable for my life, things began to change. My relationships began to change. I began to choose into events only on ONE attribute: that I feel uplifted by doing so. I began to choose out of events if they did not meet that criteria. I did the same with my relationships, my education, my friends, my projects. Everything in my life went under the scrutiny of these questions: Does this uplift me? Does it feed my aliveness?
Now that I’ve chosen to fully live my commitment to BE ALIVE, I feel alive! And it’s such a delicious feeling – one for which I believe there can never be enough ways to express my gratitude. So, for today, I will recognize the miracle of my life and be grateful for the gift of being alive.