“Angie,” they said, “You love way too big, way too much, and way too long. I can never be what you see in me.”
In my earlier years, I spent a lot of time feeling confused about those kinds of statements. In the beginning, relationships were beautiful and delicious. Then, somewhere along the way, they would quickly deteriorate into a painful explosion, destruction, and ultimately, the message that my love was impossible; that I was impossible. My once-partner would move on into seemingly easier relationships that “required less” and I would be standing alone in the wilderness, wondering what had happened. I hadn’t changed, but something had and suddenly who I was was too much and that left me alone. Confusion.
Honestly, it made me want to stop loving, stop being in intimate relationships. And, for many, many years, I’ve succeeded in keeping intimate partnerships at bay. In the beginning, I did it so that I could understand who I am and how to love me, as well as what behavior patterns and belief constructs were within me that attracted domestic violence and how to release and heal them. Then it became about me getting really clear on what sort of relationship I want for myself and how I wanted to create it. Now, it is a habit. One that I am choosing to break.
As an Empath, I have been blessed with the honor of seeing through the eyes of the Divine. All along, I knew that I saw through the Divine’s eyes. I knew I could see the souls of others. I knew I could feel their essence and interact with it. I knew that I could see beyond the façade of their human shell and love their truth. And I knew my own ability to love without bounds and without conditions, so their experience of me as being terrifying never made sense to me.
However, because I did not turn those eyes toward myself first for such a long time, all of the energy of the Divine channeled through an empty vessel and was cast out into the world to land upon whomever was nearest. Without the absorption of that Love for myself, that unfiltered energy was intense and distressing for those who experienced it. Mostly because that energy was magnified by my need to be loved from someone outside of me because I believed that love came to me, not from me. I didn’t know that I was meant to love me first and when mentors began guiding me in that direction, I was baffled. What the heck?! Love me first??? What does that even mean?!
I understand, now, that the relationships were lovely in the beginning because these people liked what they saw in themselves through my Divine Eyes. They liked the concept of being the full expression of themselves. As the newness of the romance would wear off and the rose colored glasses were removed, all that Divine Light I was ignoring for myself became too much. They would begin to realize that the intensity of “me” was more than they could bear. They had to leave or, as they feared would happen, be destroyed.
Because I refused to recognize and honor myself as a Divine being of Love, I continually found myself alone, confused, and questioning, Why?! What happened?!
Now, I know the answers to those two questions… why because I was grasping for love outside of myself when it was my Divine birthright and within me all along. And what happened was my need for someone to love me creating a obliterating vortex of my own energy that was seeking purchase in others. This vortex felt like a vacuum, sucking the souls of those who were near me. It is no wonder that they ran away. I see that now.
You and I are here together at the same time on this planet for a reason. Something drew us together.
Perhaps it is so I can remind you that you, my friend, are a Divine Being who has been created through Love. You, my friend, are an absolute miracle. And, as was stated in 1918 by the President of the Royal Astronomical Society of Canada:
Thus we come to see that if our bodies are made of star-stuff,—and there is nothing else, says the spectroscope, to make them of—the loftier qualities of our being are just as necessarily constituents of that universal substance out of which all are made, whatever gods there be. We are made of universal and divine ingredients, and the study of the stars will not let us escape a wholesome and final knowledge of the fact.
You and I, we are One. We are made of the same star-stuff.
Thank you for being here with me!
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