A couple of the bloggers in the Talk Thursday circle posted comments on my TT post from Thursday, which sparked an angry fire in me. Now, this is no reflection on JulieAnn or Sideon, it is merely a fact of my life. The comment, “When you love yourself, Ang, it will happen,” just really pisses me off.
For two reasons:
1) All that I want for my life, all I desire to have, all that I long to be… all that is hinged on that statement. Ang, if you want to have desire back in your life, you’ve gotta love yourself. Ang, if you want to have a healthy partnership, ya gotta love yourself first. If you want to be successful, you’re gonna have to love yourself.
Okay, I hear the messages loud and clear, people. Every time you and you and you have said that to me, I have heard it. What is, is… the statement is absolute Greek to me. Which leads me to item number two…
2) If I knew how to do that, I would be doing it. Judging by the obvious results and the feedback as of late, I apparently am lacking the know how in this department.
I feel afraid about that because I completely understand the theory of “If you don’t love you, no one can love you.” However, people have loved me in the past. Some people still do. Does that mean that, at one point, I knew how to love me? Or does that mean that I just attracted people who were as broken as me so we made one whole? (My guess would be the latter.)
I asked my mother this question in a blurting fury one day, “Good god, Mom. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to love myself. What the fuck does that mean? How do I do that???!”
She answered me with equal intensity, slamming her book shut and looking at me like I had momentarily gone insane, “Angie, perhaps you aren’t recognizing that you do love yourself. Look at all you do for yourself, Ang. These classes. The personal inner work. The new business. All of that. Perhaps you already are loving yourself and you just don’t realize it. Perhaps you need to do what you tell me to do: look at it differently!”
Okay… so… could it be? Could it be that I do love myself? I mean, I am alive still so I know that I love myself enough to choose life when I could have chosen death. However, perhaps I love myself more than just enough. Perhaps I do love myself and I can have what all I want, be what all I want.