i love youSeveral years ago, I made the commitment to BE fully alive and a short time later, I added an amendment:

I commit to being fully alive and to fully loving myself.

At the time I made the first commitment, I was completely unprepared for what it would open up in my life. I had no idea just how powerful it was to commit to being fully alive or that it would throw me into the boxing ring with myself in a battle to the death with Death himself. I didn’t know it would result in two near-death experiences and a plethora of cathartic processes to move me into WANTING to be alive. I didn’t know it would look like losing my home and needing to move in with my father.

I knew none of that, nor could I have ever imagined what was in store for me. I thought that when I committed to being fully alive and experienced the life-death-life cycle of that commitment, that there could be nothing worse. I thought that if I added “love” into the equation it would surely be a more delightful experience. But it wasn’t. That addendum resulted in losing my best friend to the disastrous results of his unwise choices and me losing my job all in one fell swoop. I had no idea it would result in the termination of many relationships that I had once cherished. I didn’t know it would look like a period of isolation and an overwhelming experience of being all alone.

So I went through all of the experiences to help me understand what it really meant to be alive and helped me to create new belief systems that supported a vibrant state of being alive. And I experienced what it meant to fully be in love with myself and that it required me to have clear boundaries, to be willing to speak up for myself and to release relationships that were tearing me apart, rather than building me up.

I didn’t know that being fully alive would result in feeling like celebrating myself in each moment – no matter what was happening. I didn’t know it would come with peace and laughter. I didn’t know it would heighten my senses and deepen my gifts. I didn’t know that loving myself would alter the way I view every single human interaction I have. I didn’t know it would enrich my relationship with my daughter and help me to be very clear about with whom I wanted to spend my time.

I didn’t know that these two powerful commiments would look like becoming comfortable with change and that transformation would become easeful. I didn’t know that I would find such joy in being me and experiencing life in every moment, even in the mundane. I didn’t know it would create such a profound appreciation for my life and for the relationships I have cultivated. I didn’t know it would attract in new opportunities, new skills, new gifts, new blessings, new relationships, a new tribe.

I didn’t know any of these things when I committed to being fully alive and fully loving myself.

And I’m profoundly grateful that I made the commitment anyway.

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