So, one of my classes at college right now is Human Sexuality and it has been a REALLY intriguing, interesting class. We have weekly online discussions and this week’s topic was particularly interesting. I thought I would share it here with you, as well as my response. I’m curious to hear what YOU think on this…


It has been said that women enjoy hugging and touching more than genital sex, whereas men have little interest in the “preliminaries” preferring to “get down to the real thing.”

Research indicates that many woman have response difficulties and do not experience orgasm via “traditional” sex. A staggering 85% of women report that they fake orgasm so their partners will think they are satisfied with the intent of ending sex quickly.

Also, it has been noted in research that some men engage in foreplay and the “preliminaires” of sex simply because they know these activities will end in intercourse, and they are disappointed and frustrated if that end is not achieved.

Do you believe these statements reflect a genuine difference between the sexes, or are these myths based on sexism and gender stereotyping? If you think there is a difference between male and female sexual arousal, is it learned or biologically determined?

Interesting question this week . . . be sure to read your text. I would like to see research-based responses, along with personal opinion.

My answer:

Sheesh… I feel sad EVERY TIME I read this week’s topic. I’ve had many discussions with my friends – men and women – about this very subject and I am continually surprised and appalled by the answers about “faking it.” My thought on “faking it” has always been… what a friggin’ waste of my time. If I’m there, participating in the act of sex, then I’m NOT going to be faking anything. I may not have an orgasm, but I’m present – I’m present for my partner, for me and for the act we are performing.

I have no desire to participate in something that I need to fake an outcome for someone else to feel good about themselves and I can honestly say… wait… let me check in on this… yes… I can honestly say I have NEVER faked an orgasm. Mostly because… why in the hell would I want to rip myself off like that? Why fake it and miss out on the real thing??? The one and only time I considered it was during a one-night stand (in my life there were two such incidences of a one-night stand – about which I am not at all proud – and that was enough for me). In that moment, I realized I was actually considering faking it and simply pulled away and said, “Nope. This ain’t happening for me. I’m done.” And that was that.

It is not my job to make sure he is feeling good about his performance. If he needs his ego stroked in regards to his sexual prowess and performance, then I can confidently say he is not a good match as a partner for me. Also, if my partner is more concerned about me having an orgasm as proof of my enjoyment, but he is not willing to participate in more activities than vaginal penetration in the missionary position, then he is also not a good match for me.

As a life coach, I have had experience with several clients that are in turmoil over the lack of intimacy – on many levels – in their relationships. The complaints are wide and varied… he doesn’t show me love… he doesn’t listen to me… he isn’t interested in connecting with me like he used to be… she doesn’t like sex… she doesn’t want sex as often as I do… sex has become boring. On and on go the complaints. And, without fail, the number one thing it boils down to is ACCOUNTABILITY. Being accountable for YOU (and no one else) – words, thoughts, actions and emotions – is SO important in relationship. Then, being able to communicate with your partner about where you are is the next key. My firm belief and knowing is… if men and women are accountable for themselves and communicate that with their partner, there is no need for faking. Partners could then come to an agreement on “preliminaries” and they may just discover that they are more similar in their sexual desires than they are different.

Also, while men and women ARE biologically different, they are designed to go together. (Now… this topic is tender for me because I have many friends who are gay/lesbian and I haven’t yet figured out how to make this line of logic “fit” for their relationships… but somehow it works…) Their bodies are formed to match one another. Their hormones are designed to complement one another. There are definite things that biology drives.

However… there is A LOT in the media, in our DNA and in our society here in America that is based on really old beliefs: women are meant to be in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant; women are meant to be seen and not heard; just sit there, shut up and look pretty; men are playboys; it’s okay for men to be unfaithful because that’s just how men are; men are continual horn dogs and women don’t like sex; if a woman likes sex, she’s a whore… on and on goes the rhetoric. The old construct of relationships – and sexual interactions – were based on these archaic beliefs. I believe that can change when each person practices impeccable accountability. And, I believe that when that practice becomes second nature, it will change sexual intimacy too.

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0 Responses to Men, Women and SEX

  1. Jen says:

    I love the idea of accountability. Being accountable for me makes me incredibly powerful.

    I really struggle with sex and sexuality. REALLY struggle. I’ve come to see that part of that struggle is my inability to fake it.

    If I am not feeling loved, accepted, and respected, I don’t want to share myself more. Most of the relationships I have been in have lacked intimacy of any kind. Which has made sex impossible for me.

    All of the old beliefs and rhetoric about women (and men) and sexuality just made things worse for me. I believed that if I wanted sexual contact, I was a whore. I believed that I had to give sex to my husband, because men needed it more. I believed a lot of things that just weren’t true…

    I can’t say statistically if men like sex more or women like cuddling more or… And I don’t think it really matters. Men and women need to learn about themselves individually. Like you said, be accountable. And in my mind, in order to be accountable, one has to be aware.

    • Well said, Jen! I have such an interesting time on this discussion board. Mostly because the bulk of the students are so young and uneducated about sexuality, but believe they KNOW everything. I find myself groaning and rolling my eyes a lot.

      I loved your statement, “Being accountable for me makes me incredibly powerful.” That is SUCH a true statement! Thank you for sharing.

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