As I’ve mentioned over the last few days, I am in the middle of fully experiencing a life-affirming process that is evolving into the most exciting adventure of my life to date. I am astounded by the ease at which I am rolling with this incredibly fast-paced personal experiment I have begun. My FB status for today sums it up beautifully:
It is amazing how, when I am willing, the lessons come from every direction, in surprising ways and with rapid fire succession. The learnings have been gentle, unearthing memories I had long since forgotten. WOW!
It is a curious thing, this process. It was begun through curiosity and then by saying, “I am willing to release anything and everything that is standing in the way of my divine nature.”
I didn’t know what that would mean and, I have discovered that, with the big, life-changing commitments, I generally don’t know what it entails going in. And, my theory is, I don’t know what it entails going in because, if I did, I wouldn’t enter.
Today, I am learning from the presence of a deer mouse that awoke me before the dawn and continued to rustle about my room making its presence loudly known. I was angry with the appearance and being awakened long before I was ready. But I have come to know that, when I am awakened at odd times, if I am patient the answers will come.
I felt violated and angry when the mouse surprised me when it darted across the floor. Its sudden appearance scared me and triggered quick, hot anger. I know this about myself. For a long time, I thought I was always angry. What I discovered was, I was actually always afraid, but my anger was showing up to protect me. When I learned to understand the signals of emotions in my body, how I internally react, I was able to see how fleeting my experience of fear was prior to my anger flaring. Sometimes, especially if the situation invoked huge fear in me, (or should invoke huge fear) I was raving pissed without any experience of the fear. My body released the anger prior to the fear in these situations. Learning about how I experience fear/anger, took a lot of willingness, conscientious practice and awareness for me to understand it. Knowing that sudden fear-inducing experiences like someone jumping out at me and yelling, frightened me so big that I got way pissed off and it was not pretty.
Getting comfortable with its presence, now that I knew it was lurking in the closet and I had calmed down, I stared at the door and waited, knowing the mouse would emerge soon. Timidly, his nose appeared, then his black eyes and big white ears. He waited, darted back into the closet, emerged again and then came all the way out. He waited, darted back under the closet door and moments later came out, waited and then cruised across the bedroom and out under the door into the hallway – where the cats were waiting, but he didn’t know this.
As I watched this mouse busy itself around my room, skittering under doors and darting across the floor like a brown flame, I wondered Why?! Why is this mouse here? What is the message?
I was surprised how fast the answers started rolling in. Something about the surprise violation of this mouse’s appearance triggered memories of abuse in my former marriage. Suddenly, I was awash in a myriad of experiences that I had never catalogued as abuse before because it didn’t look like abuse. I was stunned. The abuse had been so rampant and I hadn’t noticed because it didn’t match my preconceived notion of “abuse.”
This experiment I have invoked for my well-being is a practice of releasing the destructive nature of DNA programming, archaic beliefs and what I thought I once knew to be true but it is no longer serving me. Radical willingness and trust are the cornerstones of my experience and I’m really appreciating the development of my ability to roll with it.