There has been a lot going on in my metaphysical life recently and so, in my human life, things seem to be at a standstill and I cannot get enough sleep. I want to do things like go to a Beloved’s Kundalini Belly Dancing gathering, but I can’t move from bed. When I do “sleep,” I travel, I play with Faeries, I learn, I expand metaphysically. And then my human self rolls out of bed and it’s all I can do to put my feet in motion.
Half of my clients who have shown up in front of me recently have expressed sensations of being unable to move forward, as if they are stuck in tar, but completely awake, completely willing to move… just unable. I relate. The other half expresses that they don’t understand what is happening, they feel “weird,” and like they are in overdrive. Yeah. Tell me about it.
My best friend said to me earlier this week, “It is as if I am following every divine impulse, taking action on inspiration and intuition, asking for guidance about creating income and getting answers and then I follow it, and… nothing. Nothing. Happens. I am so confused. It’s not like I’ve reverted to old patterns or practices. Everything I’m doing is new and in new ways, but nothing is sticking.” Yes. I utterly agree!
I have landed in a place to live that seems quite magical, but it is not Home. I feel safe here. I love it here. And I know it is an in-between place while my real space is being prepared. I feel a strong urge to commune with others in a community where we live together, but separately – everyone in their own quarters, but common areas where we join together for meals and meditation and healing and creating and singing. I have an urge to move myself physically, while at the same time being unable to – that stuck in tar sensation – and at the same time, I have the desire to be very still. I’m being drawn to liberate myself of all my earthly possessions, let go of “things” I’ve been holding onto but haven’t touched for years, become physically unhindered. And my urge to seek out Home is strong, drawing me forward while I remain still. How is this possible?
My heart yearns for that partner who, I’ve been told for years now, is coming toward me. The first time I was told this was five years ago. That energy has been moving toward me for a long time. I thought I found it, for a brief second last year, but it wasn’t… quite… right. And now, I wonder… where is that match? When is that match? Is it in this lifetime? While I understand that Home is within me, I yearn to have someone stand beside me, hold my hand, and See me… really See me as I have never been Seen before; someone to be Home with. Someone who is in alignment with my beliefs, my dreams, my desires, my Purpose. Will I ever find Home beside another?
One of my Beloveds happened to come into the Crane today and sat for a session with me. She is in a “homeless” situation like I faced just over a month ago. During the session, she said, “I am a Seer. I can always see my way through. But… They aren’t letting me. I can see nothing. I cannot see my way through.” Her statement totally resonated with me.
Where I used to be able to See, I am blind, but it is a strange sort of blind… like… I can See, but not… quite… clearly. It’s also a kind of Seeing that doesn’t alarm me because I can sense that it’s simply a shift in how I See and that it will clear. Sometime. Hopefully soon. Where I used to be able to not See, I am now seeing clearly, but only in shocking spurts that sometimes terrify me and break my heart or royally piss me off. I’m Hearing all the time. I am Sensing constantly and I am Feeling so powerfully, it is as if all my nerves are raw.
I am the Healer who reminds people THEY are in command of their gifts; they have a say in how their gifts operate; they get to choose how they work amongst the humans here. And, yet, everything right now feels way discombobulated and like my gifts are on high alert all the time and no amount of me choosing differently is shifting this. Go figure. I’m here to remind others to be at choice, but my choice is having no effect. But, it’s a strange sort of “no effect” because I don’t feel as though I’m being betrayed or that I am “completely out of control” or that “someone else is in charge.” Instead, it is like… Angie, you’ve lived this way before – fully ON all the time – and chose to numb out to it or deny it; now that you’ve chosen in and understand how to wield these gifts, we’re going to show you what you REALLY can do. So I sorta just roll with it.
But my human self is getting tired.
I once was told that there would come a time when Sensitives would go on full-tilt and that those who had CHOSEN in prior to that time would experience exponential growth that would take them beyond what they had ever imagined. Perhaps, this is that time. I don’t know.
What I do know is… in the middle of all this “nothing,” something IS happening. I don’t know how to explain what that something is. I don’t even know if I’m fully aware of IT, but… something… is… happening.