Villain, Hero, Victim. They are classic archetypes from which all of Hollywood’s success has risen and upon which most best selling authors have based their stories. If character development is lacking in any area of that infamous triangle of drama, then the story feels flat, lifeless, and downright boring. But, in real life, that triangle is exhausting and runs rampant with illness.
As someone who used to thrive in Victim mode and who used to believe there was no hope for anything other than being a Victim, I understand the position of the Perpetuated Victim all too well. Born and raised in a religion that was founded, literally, on martyrdom, repression, oppression, and persecution, my DNA was rife with nearly 160 years of victimhood. And, before that, my ancestors were healers, witches, and laborers who were hunted, slaughtered, and subjugated in one way or another. So, for me, based on DNA alone, being a Victim was a natural state. It was as easy as slicing soft butter with a hot knife.
Over the years, as I have supported countless people in waking up to their truth, I have been shown how the victim energy is unleashed through abuse. I have discovered that in one way or another, everyone has had the experience of being a Victim. Even the most hardened criminals who have perpetrated abhorrent offenses began their journey into a life of crime because they were abused, beaten, molested, and victimized in dehumanizing ways as innocent children. Victimizing one another is what humans have done since the beginning of humanity, unfortunately, and it began as “survival of the fittest.”
However, what of today?
This time in history is the opportunity to clear ourselves of this victim energy and rise through and above it. It is time to break these chains and liberate ourselves, but doing so can be difficult. The position of the victim has been perpetuated for centuries as a means of keeping people in check. And, sadly, it is those who are categorized as victim that are struggling to keep that label intact. “Victim,” for many, becomes a badge of honor through which they receive all their recognition and support. Victimhood is a habit and a rewarding one at that, one in which people get really comfy cozy and view anything else as “too hard” or “too much work.” So, while many of us Victims are choosing to work to understand the energy and cycle of Victim and get clear of it, thereby liberating ourselves, there are many more who are willing to stay stuck there in the comfortable misery of Victim.
Because of my commitment to Love and Healing and to clear the abuse energy from this planet, I get a lot of information tossed at me about the Drama Triangle. Also, because I am in a community that is full of healers and coaches, I see a lot of the information repeatedly. A few days ago, there was one particular article, “14 Signs Someone Is Always Playing The Victim,” that got posted by several of my friends on Facebook over a two-day period. It took me seeing it about ten times before I actually decided to give it a try. And, when I did, I felt really uncomfortable… mostly because the article perpetuated the cycle of victimhood. Even though it offered “remedies” for each of the 14 points it presented, the title itself suggested that the author believed the person was always going to be a Victim and the remedies were directed more toward the non-Victim. It was written to a target audience of people who were not the Victim, thereby drawing a line in the sand to separate one from the other. It was also written with an apparent lack of compassion.
My experience has shown me that a lot of Victims would not recognize themselves in this article because they do have an overarching inability to be accountable. At an early age, they were violated in such a way that it robbed them of the ability to see where they are in the world. Childhood abuse causes a person to fall into a strong stance of self-protectiveness, which lends itself to distrust of others, weird boundary issues, dysfunctional or malfunctioning relationships, and a need to prove all the ways in which they are “not wrong” because a wrongness was perpetuated on them long before they could logic it out. And while not all Victims experienced abuse in their childhood in this lifetime, abuse of children has been a trend for centuries and the memories of it are embedded in humanity’s DNA. Thus the reason for all of us healers waking up in the now: we must end this cycle.
For any Victim who reads this article and recognizes themselves in it, it serves to further the victimizing, pointing out all the ways they are “wrong” and “broken,” defeating them even more. Those Victims who recognize themselves in the words and want to heal the energy will most likely be pissed off about it like I am because of how it perpetuates victimhood and paints us into a corner with confounding contradictions. For instance, “They don’t know when to say enough is enough,” versus “They cut people out of their life.”
While I understand that Victims who are committed to remaining in that energy do possess most, if not all, of the 14 traits addressed in this article with maddening regularity, when Victims begin to heal, they are taught to walk away from abusive situations as a means of honoring themselves. Thing is, abuse is difficult to define, mostly because those who are inflicting the abuse most often believe they’ve done nothing wrong. Most “Villains” and “Heroes” have no idea they are in that role. Or, conversely, they know and they are thrilled with it; they find particular delight in victimizing or saving others. Articles like this that suggest the “Victims” are “incapable of being responsible,” “always believe they are perfect,” and “get into arguments easily,” serve to perpetuate the illusion that the entire problem is the “Victim” and exonerates the person who is being the victimizer.
Enough IS enough when a person feels as though they have been abused. Whether or not the other person believes they were perpetuating abuse, if someone feels abused, abuse has happened. Walking away from a relationship may be the only way a person can get clear from the energy that is perpetuating victimhood. As Einstein said, “No problem can be solved at the same level of consciousness that created it.” If someone is being victimized in a relationship, it will be difficult to see the energy of abuse inside the relationship. Sometimes, the only way to see clearly is to remove yourself from it and that is healthy, it is also a way for the Victim to get clear enough of the energy to actually begin to see their own part in it so they can be accountable for their own actions and contribution to the situation.
Some Victims are Victims because no one has shown them how to be otherwise. Some Victims do want to change, but have no idea what that even means, let alone how to do that. Some Victims are Victims for very real and alarming reasons, but they have had no support in healing any of it. And, although some of us Victims are choosing to liberate ourselves, this is not true of most Victims because most of them have no idea there is any other way to live their life.
Villain. Hero. Victim. They are all choices. Even the Victim role is a choice that you can step out of at any moment and shift your entire experience of life. Although this article claims that Victims feel powerless, there is vast power in the Victim role and Victims know that! It is why they stay there! As broken as it is, viewing all of life through the lens of Victim gets their needs met. Many of them have practiced this viewpoint for many lifetimes, but as I see it, the more we focus on who has done what and why, the longer we stay engaged with the inherent spectacle of it all. The Triangle serves only to keep us separated and disconnected from Love.
My friend, if you are experiencing life as uncomfortable, painful, and miserable, you have got to examine the choices you’re making. As my buddy Albert Einstein has been quoted as saying, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” If you were willing to be honest with yourself, you would see just how powerful you are and that the power is your misery! And… really… That. Is. A. Choice! You are choosing to wield your power by creating misery. Ugh… really? Is that really what you want for yourself?
When I learned to say “NO” and realized that love laced with abuse was NOT Love and chose to walk away from abuse, my life shifted in profoundly beautiful ways. It wasn’t easy, though. I have loved the people from whom I have walked away because the relationship no longer felt loving or honoring, so I experienced deep sadness and heartbreak. While I wish I could say it was an easeful process to break through Victim, it wasn’t; but it was worth it.
My experience living as Queen of Victimhood for so many of my earlier years has served to support me in developing a keen sense of compassion and empathy for those who are still living in that land. My process of taking off that crown and abdicating that throne has been a crazy, winding path through Hell. I have walked through that darkness – sometimes with the guidance of mentors and loved ones, but mostly on my own – longing to find my way out, so that others will not have to do it alone. Now, I walk beside them, holding their hand, and shining the Light.
It IS possible to liberate yourself from Victim and live a life of Love that is uplifting, honoring, and magical. You can choose misery or you can choose miraculous. It is your choice. While the liberation of your Victim can be painful, heartbreaking, and scary, it is worth it. So. Worth. It.