For over a decade now, my scents of choice have been essential oils. I use oils in my healing work so I have many different kinds of essential oils on hand. When I get the nudge to wear my oils, it is usually in a combination of oils, which are selected by intuition and, in the end, I discover that each of the oils I have placed on my skin provide support in something I am working on that day for myself.
There is quite a different smell between perfumes/colognes and natural essential oils. Often times, the previous are made of chemical compounds whereas the later is, well, natural. Because of this difference, the scents react differently on a human body. Additionally, not all scents are pleasing to an individual’s nose. What is beautiful to me may be distasteful to Sally and vice versa. And when a woman (or a man) has insisted on pouring an entire bottle of anything on themselves, it tends to be overwhelming.
All that being said… I attended an event recently wherein a lot of women gathered. When women come together, not only do you have all of their energy dynamics, you also have a plethora of scents with which the women have doused themselves. I noticed that, when I left the room where we were gathering and came back a few minutes later, the room smelled like a perfumery.
Once the room was nearly full, a woman I’ve known for several years – I’ll call her… Jane – entered the room. Jane and I haven’t seen one another for almost a year and haven’t interacted regularly for a long time. When our eyes met, her face registered the same pleasant surprise and recognition I felt. She announced to the room that she would be giving “Hollywood Hugs” and proceeded to “air hug” women from about three feet away continuing to explain the she did not want to trigger any of her perfume allergies.
She “air hugged” me and then said to the woman next to me, “Oh! I can real hug YOU because I know you use essential oils and not yucky perfume.”
Instantly, I felt my little injured girl heart go into overload and that little girl jumped to my defense, “Hey! I don’t wear perfume. Now I feel offended that you didn’t hug me.”
I was intensely aware that I was energetically pouting – probably being outwardly pouty too – and being emotionally manipulative. (I think I spoke in my adult voice and language, but I can’t be sure now because, looking back on it, I hear little girl talk.) But it got me that hug that my little girl self thought I deserved.
It is astounding to me how quickly my heart gets hurt and how instantaneously my old, protective personas and programs jump up to rescue me. Frankly, my adult self was completely understanding of not wanting to hug everyone and their dog because of all the scents in the room. But, my little girl self felt jilted and cast aside and… you guessed it… not good enough.
The situation has bugged me for almost a week now… from the very moment I pouted my way into her reluctant embrace. I have thought about what it meant to my little girl self to not be good enough in that moment and realized that Jane’s unwillingness to hug me but her full willingness to hug the woman next to me meant that I was unloveable, unworthy, and unacceptable.
As children, the need to belong and be loved is a driving need. It is what our entire universe circles around. Who loves me? Who wants me? Who picks me? Where do I fit in? When we establish our footing – literally when we begin to walk – our next line of business is to understand where we stand, literally.
For me, as an adult who has lived her life believing she is not enough, I have the opportunity to look at this situation as it is and love myself for still being vulnerable. Or, I could choose to use this situation to add further injury to insult and beat myself up over it. I also get to recognize that there is still some part of me that is seeking outside recognition and love.
Whether Jane hugged me or not has nothing “bad” to do with Jane. She was doing what was true for her. She was not telling me I was less than her, unworthy of love and acceptance, or even that I stunk. She wasn’t telling me she didn’t want to be friends with me or that she thought I was a loser. She was simply saying that she was being selective on her hugging. And that is okay. Maybe she just didn’t want to hug me and hid it behind the incorrect assumption that I was wearing perfume. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Her actions are her actions. How *I* reacted to her interaction with me has everything to do with me.
Every interaction provides the opportunity to be true to yourself AND to be clear on where you are emotionally. Also, to take accountability for your own actions, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. In that moment, I behaved as an injured child and now, in this moment, as a whole adult, I am loving on that little girl who was so sad all the time because “no one” loved her. Which, my friends, was a total misunderstanding on her part based on her infantile perceptions. Truth is, I was immensely loved.
As an adult, I get to remember that and teach my little girl self that also. I get to remember I was immensely loved then and I still am today. And that is the best part of it all.
I always welcome your thoughts, questions, and comments. Feel free to jot down what you’re thinking in the comment box below.