I have experienced a few days of learning and awareness. I discovered something intriguing about myself… I have a BIG victim parading around inside me and when she is triggered there is nothing anybody can say or do, there are no processes and there is no action that will pop me out of being a victim. The more I TRY to shift the victim-thinking, the more obstinate and “smart” she gets. She requires a villain to show up to keep her going and will reject any and all assistance from a hero. In fact, IF a hero is brave enough to show up to rescue her, she will figure out how to turn that hero into its worse version of itself so that she can be standing in front of a villain – to the hero’s horror. It is terrifyingly amazing how powerful my victim is and I’m really grateful for this because she is what has kept me alive as long as this. I’ve needed her to survive. And… she/her is ME. *I* am a BIG victim.
So, today, I am grateful for… realizing just how powerful my victim thought process is and feeling immense love for myself * friends who are willing to face into the darkest sides of me and ride the slippery slope ride down to Wonderland * a friend who was willing to yell at me on Sunday and tell me she wouldn’t engage anymore and she was done… it got me just mad enough and was something so unexpected that I was able to pop out of victim-thought and get REAL with myself * the knowing that I am definitely unique in my make up and it is a labyrinth of security systems, brilliance and love * ASL… who would’ve thought ASL was going to be The Thing that began my unraveling! * having someone stand before me and say, (especially when I have SO been in my crap the last few days) “I can tell by your eyes that you have something to teach me.” * to have this same person continue to attempt to purposely connect with me even though the “boys” kept getting in the way * sitting in the student center last night doing homework and observing the table of guys from the construction trades classes… loving their “man talk” and their boyish, mischievous laughter * alone time without feeling lonely.
I am LOVING my life!