Last year, at this same time, I was falling in love and spending a lot of time in the untamable beauty of the wild with the man I was falling in love with. I was full of fear and wonder, excitement and peace. I was experiencing what it felt like to be fully alive in the presence of someone who may, some day, be a lover. I was seeing the shifting tides between past, present, and future and how they are all interwoven. And I was so hopeful.
Last year, at this same time, I was living in the same house I had been living in since 2007. I was complacent and feeling like I needed to move, but unable to make myself do so. I had gotten really comfortable in my surroundings and settled in. I had a really strong sense of “stuck” and “trapped” and I was mostly miserable and feeling detached from my entire existence. Comfortably miserable… it is a space I know all too well.
Last year, at this same time, I was just in the first few weeks of the first run of my program I call “Powerful Beyond Measure.” I really had no idea what I was doing and felt a little overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all. I was really trusting the Divine to guide me in guiding others, all while thinking I was maybe not even “doing it right.”
Last year, at this same time, I was terrified about money – one of the main reasons I was “stuck” where I was living. No matter what I did, I could not shift into receiving enough to move me. I had created all sorts of stories about why I didn’t “have enough money” and why I never would.
Today, as I look back over this last year, it is with a mixture of emotions. I am still in love, but it has shifted now. He has moved on and, because of that, I am diffusing my attraction to him and the love is shifting out of a romantic connection and into a warm affection. Feeling myself consciously choose this shift has been life altering. Knowing that I could rekindle it, if there was reason to, is also delicious. Knowing that I am at choice – even in love – has been transformative! It is an interesting experience to talk with him now. At times, I want to kiss him and make him forget anyone else (like I could do that, but a girl can dream!) and at other times, I want to smack him and his new lover. At times, I rejoice in their happiness and at other times, I want to not hear at all about how goddamn happy they are. It’s an interesting experience, this being sad for me and happy for them, all at once. Mostly, I’m surprised to discover I still feel hopeful.
I have also moved into a new house, closer to town, in the area where I have yearned to live since I moved back to SLC in 2000. I am appreciating the locale and the ease of my life because of the locale. My experience with money is shifting and I’m appreciating that too. I’ve created a lot of super cool experiences in the last month with the expansion of money and the experience of learning I am at choice with money, too, has been powerful. I no longer feel that debilitating terror or “stuck,” but rather excited and moving. I’m viscerally aware of the thought process that sounds like, “Okay… I accomplished that! Now, what’s next?”
And, as far as my teaching and mentoring is going… I completed one full year run of my program (two rounds of the 6-month course) and have launched three new baby Phoenixes, one of which is in a year-long internship to become her own momma Phoenix. It was fun and exciting to teach those programs and be witness to the transformations. Now, I’m in a space of “is that really what I want to do?” It was so much more work than I thought it would be and so rewarding, at the same time. So, right now, I’m breathing with this one and waiting for the urge to move me in a specific direction.
Looking forward… in less than 36 hours, my baby girl is graduating from high school and will be embarking upon her new, adult life. It seems like life with her has gone so fast! I used to think adults were crazy when they said shit like that, but it’s true. Even in being present for every single moment of her life, it has gone faster than I like. I’m excited to see where she flies, how far she goes, and how high.
For myself, the hope I harbor about there being a Love meant for me is still growing strong. Over the last six months, I’ve crossed paths with men and women whose spirits have sparked in me a remembrance of what could be. Every time it happens, I smile. I’m not dead yet, my little Monty Python voice cries out.
Indeed, I am not dead yet! I am fully alive!