abyss

Realizations in the Shower…

This morning, I was pondering a voicemail I had received from a loved one last night. In it, she asked if I was angry with her. This is someone that I adore to the ends of the earth and have never had an ounce of angst with or toward, so her question stuck with me.

As I was thinking about it, I realized, I AM angry. Really, really, *really* angry, but none of it was directed toward her. I dwelt on the anger bubbling there, so near the surface, and saw how angry I am with what is going on in this world, the overwhelming sadness, fear, and frustration that is leading too many of our good people to kill themselves, and the ongoing divisiveness in this nation. That rose up, almost instantly. But, since I know I am an Empath with a worldwide reach, I knew that pain I was feeling was a mask for something deeper.

So, I stood there, with steaming water stinging my skin with needlepoint pinches of pain, as I waited for the answer to rise. Slowly, it came up… and I cried, grateful for the water pouring over me because it washed away the tears instantaneously.

I am in this cycle of seeing good in everyone and holding space FOR the good to manifest in everyone’s life and I’m witnessing that happening. It is miraculous, actually, to be witness to my beloveds getting all they’ve ever wished and hoped for, watching their dreams come true, and have them be whisked off into the manifestation of their desires, literally moving long distances from me. It has happened time and time again and when I was first aware of my ability to awaken power within humans, I felt so lonely because everyone I awakened left me.

As I came to terms with my ability to ignite the fire within humans that sets them on their Purpose Path, I came to realize that was part of my flight as the Phoenix, but my flight seemed to be grounded… locked to one place, on the ground. I came to the acceptance of that, then the love of it, and I settled in for expansion on the ground in one spot, rather than in the air and in the unlimited space of the Universe. I let go of the “poor pitiful me” attitude and accepted that part of my magic means that I will be saying a lot of goodbyes.

So… when I saw this anger there and realized it had been sparked by my beloved’s departure because a manifestation of her hopes and desires had taken physical form far away, I stared into my heart and asked why, suddenly, was I feeling picked on again.

What I saw was… her utter joy and fulfillment was a direct contrast to what I have been experiencing. While it seemed that she was getting everything she had asked for, everything has been falling apart in my world, dreams are being shattered and torn from me, and nothing seems to be working.

In that moment, I realized I have yet to master the art of being in joy for others who are experiencing magical expansion whilst I am experiencing destruction. I do not know how to be happy for them while I am so devastated myself. While I appreciate and honor their experience, I have not figured out how to honor both their joy and my grief all at once gracefully. So, I stay away.

During this “gone away” time, people who have never connected with me before, somehow find surprising ways in. And friends who have been close to me for a long time often shut down. This hibernation pattern of mine is really uncomfortable for those who love me. Many of them, over the years, have taken it personally, have called it a “disappearing act,” have even left me because of it. I have been called selfish more times than I care to count because of it. My closest friends struggle with it, saying that the vulnerability they feel because of it is too intense, it gives them too much time to create stories about why I have abandoned them.

Perhaps me going into the abyss IS selfish of me. And… for now… this abyss is how I survive.

It is not a test of your love for me.

It is me, providing myself space to make a decision about what comes next…

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