Today’s topic courtesy of the delicious Shinshige!
The email came in early two days ago and it read:
I had a thought a few weeks ago, and my illogical mind has clung onto it. The thought was, “If I could go back to any year in my life, I would go back to 1987.” What I thought by that was along the lines of – if I could restart my life at any given day, what day would that be, and why? My initial thought was just the year, in general, but I had an event in mind when I came up with the year. So – I will present to you, the following as a topic for this week.
“If I had to go back to one event I’ve experienced and relive my life from that event forward, it would be. . .”
Since reading the topic for this week, I have been curious about my own response. It has been a couple weeks since I’ve played with my fellow Talk Thursday bloggers, mostly because I’ve been sick, but also because I’ve been drawing blanks. But this topic has been eating at me.
As I’ve thought about it, I’ve wondered… is there stuff I want to change or avoid all together? Yes. Moments like that night where I loosely chose to have sex for the first time by not choosing not to say no. (Yes… I know that sounds all skwonky, but reread it. It’ll make sense. Eventually.) That moment set into course a string of events that would eventually lead to heartbreak I had never known. There’s the moment when I chose to come back home from the hospital, instead of disappear. That choice led to unimaginable terror, eventual divorce and other unforeseeable horrors. The moment when I said, “I had this dream about you last night and you kept changing faces.” That moment kicked down the first domino that led to the closure of my business.
Yes… each of those momentary choices set into motion a series of unfortunate and uncomfortable events – some lasting decades long. However, I can also look at those choices and see the magic, the miracles, the magnificence within them. Like, for instance, when I chose to not choose to not say no and had sex for the first time, I experienced love deeper than I ever had before and I broke open wide and let it all pour in and then, when my heart broke 18 months later and I felt like dying, I was in exactly the perfect spot to receive the man who has evolved into the love of my life.
Or… choosing to come home from the hospital with my newborn baby in faith that it was what I was meant to do. While it led to experiences for which I was ill-equipped to process, unprepared to endure and uneducated about, it has also driven me to understand my gifts, my power and my healing abilities. It has been the force behind me being a voice for those who cannot call out. It has pushed me to understand who I am, heal the spokes and the DNA that has been broken for far too long in my ancestral line and to find a way to bring the Light. It has also blessed me with a powerful depth of compassion, understanding and a seemingly unending ability to forgive.
As for the experience with revealing the changing face in my dream, yes, it did lead to the demise of my business. It also revealed to me how much I do know and how important it is that I trust my knowing. It provided the path for me to remove myself from a place that was crumbling from a foundation built on lack of integrity and disharmony. It also educated me on a deeper level about dealing with people who are hosts for multiple personalities.
See, I am a firm believer in the statement “all things happen for a reason” and I also passionately know that I am who I am because of every single moment that I have lived to this point. Granted, there are things that I would have loved to have avoided or, if possible, found an easier way to learn, but I also know me well enough to know that those lessons were learned in the exactly perfect way for me.
There are days that I would love to return to so that I could relive the beauty of those days… that dance performance on the 27th floor… the joy of “Mary Poppins” and “Fantasia”… laughing with friends on the beach in California… hearing “You’re beautiful” for the first time… the first time I breathed in the scent of Polo and cedar… lying out on the wooden deck listening to the birds cooing in the aviary and counting the stars… making love beneath the moon… that first kiss on the hill behind the capital… dancing – any time… one week before my wedding, when I stayed the night at my grandparent’s house and I fell asleep on the couch with my head on her knee, the tick-tick sound of her heart filling my senses and her small hands smoothing my hair… my first kiss in the football bleachers… the day I learned about “what goes around, comes around”… holding my baby sister for the first time… finally getting to love on my baby brother who had been in the hospital for far too long after being born… watching my sister realize she was in love… seeing my brother kiss the love of his life… all the births I’ve attended, as well as the deaths… Danny… my wedding day… the moment my daughter was born… the last time I was held… the new LeBaron… that Sunday afternoon I walked into the kitchen to find my mom and dad standing close, holding hands and smiling at one another… 5-clown Halloween… holding hands for the first time at Bridal Veil Falls… that night at The Bay… “Rindercella” laughter… my first sighting of monkey trees… our first shower in our first house… 2am in Hawaii… Thanksgiving in Lava… that night on the side street with my aunt, daughter and mom dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire and getting sprayed by the sprinklers… unveiling of JenGie… my first taste of artichokes… every single moment with my daughter…
See… there have been a lot of beautiful moments that I would love to relive, but I also understand that each of the moments I’ve listed here have led to other moments which have led to other moments. In fact, many of these moments led to or were spawned directly from the three moments I listed in the beginning.
Going back to one event in the past to relive my life or change that event will change the future – it will change my now. So I’ll stay where I am and just rejoice in my life through occasionally visiting the memories because I kinda like it here.