Since July 1998, I’ve learned a lot about love and loving me. I’ve developed self-trust and grown to actually like myself. I’ve come to understand the importance of the love affair that lasts my lifetime: the love of myself. I’ve experienced the beauty, the sorrow, the joy, the pain, and the depths of this particular relationship and have seen how, through loving myself, I have tapped into limitless potential. I have been single for all of that time, but have allowed myself to “fall in love” three times. I put “fall in love” in quotations because I understand that it isn’t a fall… it’s more of a growing, a developing.
The first time, the love was returned, but we couldn’t make it work because of location and stipulations in our respective divorce decrees. It was a sad day when we realized we had to end it, that it would not blossom into the full blazing bloom we both suspected was within the fiery seed we had planted.
The second time, the “in love” feelings were not returned. It was confusing to me as I could feel the many lifetimes we had traveled together as lovers. It broke my heart to know that it wouldn’t come to be in this lifetime, that we had chosen differently for ourselves in this lifetime. I was very confused by that and, for a long time, I went away. 13 years later, we are still good friends and I still, at times, feel perplexed, but cherish the friendship.
The third time was just last year at this time. I revealed that I was “falling in love” and was embraced, cuddled, and loved while I did so. But, he explained without saying a word, the romantic inclination was not there on his end. He loved me. But, he wasn’t in love with me. And although he never said those words out loud, I could sense them in the air around me, although I did my best to ignore them. And then, within days of my revelation to him, he realized he was in love with someone else. He chose that person, irrevocably changing everything for me.
Even with all the unrequited love I’ve experienced with others over this period of my life, I still (usually) believe that the embodiment of the energy that compliments mine is out there, looking for me. Some days, I’m convinced that “out there” is on the other side of the sun. Other days, “out there” feels as though it could be down the street.
I’ve had mentors and guides tell me time and again, especially over the last five years, to be patient, that the energy was moving toward me, that I would soon experience what it was like to be in a co-creative, aligned, passionate, magical relationship with another person who can See me. Oddly enough, these same mentors and guides have told me that about finances – that the money that I can sense all around me will actually materialize in my world, soon.
I have followed their guidance. In the realms of love and money, I have taken the steps they’ve laid out for me and I’ve done the actions suggested. I’ve kept going… day after day after day… for… 6,366 days…
Each day I wake and wonder… is today The Day? I remember clearly each of the days that those three would-be-could-be partners walked into my world. I remember the recognition that resounded deep within me. I remember the hope. I remember the draw. I remember the knowing. I remember what happened when we connected. And… I remember the belief that was there in that moment…
Nearly 550,022,400 seconds have gone by since I walked out that door with only my baby and the few items my aged grandparents could carry. I have kept walking, often without knowing where I was going or why. I’ve just kept moving and wondering… where is MY match? I have seen lovers everywhere, watched relationships develop, expand, and crash, and have done all this with the spot beside me vacant.
There was a time that I began shaking my head and holding up my hands, saying, “Nope! I’m not interested in a relationship with anyone else.” It was mostly in defense of my heart; it was getting tired holding onto hope. It was mostly because I had let the belief of “it’s not gonna happen” creep in and steal the light. Then, I stopped thinking about it and got really focused on my life, my self, my love and I did it because I was more interested in what I do have, rather than what I am perceiving to be missing. During that time, many mentors, guides, and friends said, “It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it.”
Well… I wasn’t looking. And it didn’t happen.
I’ve always known I have a tender heart. I am moved by people. I am touched by what they experience, how they feel, the stories they tell. I root for the underdog and stand up for those who cannot rise and speak out for those whose voice has been taken. I always have.
It would be so nice to have someone beside me to cradle my tender heart. I know how to do that well for myself these days. AND… it would be nice to have someone to lean against.
As I’ve written this, I have heard my Editor Mind mumbling, “Why are you writing this, Angie? What is the point? What is the value for the readers?”
Well… I don’t know. Perhaps there is none. Perhaps this is only for me… the ramblings of a tender heart who is realizing that a year ago her heart was shattering of unrequited love, yet again. Perhaps it is so that I can vent all the human emotions tied to this ongoing experience of unrequited love. Perhaps it is a waste of space, time, and energy.
And maybe… just maybe… it is so I don’t – or someone else doesn’t – give up hope that the messengers delivering messages of “It’s on its way” are spot on and that “it” really is on its way.