Awareness I had today… I’ll share it with you in a bit, but first a revelation:
I am in love with a man. I have been for a while now and it’s beautiful and magical and everything I wanted, including some aspects I wasn’t expecting, but that showed up in a Universal joke sort of way. It is truly a gift I am grateful for and an amazing relationship.
Except for one thing…
He is now in love with someone else. It’s new for him and it happened quite suddenly, surprising all people involved. This confusing turn of events has had me upside down and turned inside out for quite some time. It hurt to be in love with him and have him single off with someone else, effectively disappearing from my life without any warning.
It was a loving choice on his behalf. Given the depths of his sensitivity, he knows what I’m feeling; he feels what I feel; he feels my heart-pain and confusion. He knew that if he were to be in my face with it, as he fell in love with another, that it would only hurt me more. He loved me enough to disappear and give me space, while loving me from afar.
I was angry about it for some time because his disappearing act wasn’t what I knew to be true of him. But, in hindsight, I see now that he loves me so much, he had to walk away and let me be alone in my pain and in my confusion – for me, more so than for him. Even though he could feel my pain, he left because he wanted to lessen the impact.
Seeing him today for the first time in nearly three months, I was prepared to be angry and hateful and spiteful because he didn’t pick me – that would have been my mode of operation in the past. However, I stood there before him and could only feel love – deep, abiding, unfailing love. There was nothing else there but my desire to see him being happy, content, and in love. But there was also a surprising amount of self-respect. His happiness did not supersede my sadness. They both got to exist in the same space at the same time for both of us.
Happy-sad, happy-sad. All at once and together.
It was a big eye-opening experience to understand what unconditional love truly means and that this love I feel for him only grows deeper over time, never dies, and never changes other than to get richer and richer.
So today’s awareness… Being truly in love with someone is never about the other person and it does not hinge on whether they are in love with you or if they choose you to be their partner. It simply means you are in love and that is a beautiful gift, if you allow it to be.