It is Day Two of 2014 and, already, this year has been packed to the brim with emotional expression and inner-exploration. Coming to understand that The Nothing is actually my friend and that I get to choose about how I experience it and how others experience me while I’m in here, has been a big shift and one for which I am very grateful for.
This is the first time I have truly allowed myself to feel this sadness, so it’s a biggie and, at times, I feel so very afraid that I am going to be swallowed in this experience. I didn’t know this sadness was in me until midnight on New Year’s Eve when The Nothing closed in on me and I realized what is really in here with me and why I am here. But even then, when the longing revealed itself to me – or, rather, when I allowed myself to uncover the longing – I didn’t realize it was this big.
Clients have said to me time and again, “Angie, I cannot do what you ask of me. If I let myself feel ________ (fill in the blank with whatever emotion), I will not make it through.” I have had moments in my life where I have felt that, so I could empathize with them. But, this time, as I really allow myself to look at this old pain, I can see just how vast the pain is – covering many lifetimes – and I am really scared that I will not make it through, that, somehow, this longing will swallow me and I will be done.
While at dinner last night with my best friend, I listened to her heart breaking open and her timid admittance, “I definitely don’t believe in fairy tales.”
I felt my fear rise as she talked about not believing in fairy tales and not trusting any aspect of earth life. I felt scared because I resonated. My closing lines of yesterday’s post had originally been, “I have been waiting a very long time for my fairy tale ending of happily ever after. Maybe it’ll never come.” But I changed it to something that sounded less bleak.
But, there, sitting across the table from her, my awarenesses tumbled to the surface and spilled forth from my mouth before I could stop it, “I’m afraid I have no more hope.”
We stared at one another, tears brimming in our eyes until they spilled forth in steady streams. There we were, staring at one another and crying together, the only comfort being that we were together in this. There were no answers.
This morning, I awoke after a fitful night, feeling beaten and tender. My tummy is in turmoil and I feel heavy, weighted with the knowing that I don’t trust this planetary experience and I have no more hope. My heart is gaping wide with the ache of longing and the human need to “belong.”
So, by choice, I am filling my ears with songs that cause me to soar. I am filling my eyes with images that delight me. I am allowing the tears to flow. I am recognizing this pain and allowing the sadness to move through me. I am honoring the grief I feel from the destruction of my dreams and I am dancing with the pain of it all. Because… well… that is all I can do… allow it, surrender.
And through it all, I have recognized that there is still one piece of hope left in me… I hope that my trust and hope will return soon. So, there’s that…
I always welcome your thoughts, questions, and comments.
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