For a long time, I had this irrational and sleep-stealing fear of rape. In my marriage, in one of my darkest moments, as I was standing before him cut, bruised, and bleeding from the blows he had dealt me that night, I remember yelling at him from some unknown, dark corner of myself, “So what now?! Are you going to rape me?!”
It was the most violently abusive thing I could say to him at that moment and it shocked me to the core, causing me to blink and gasp. Why would I SAY something like that?!!
He was aghast. That was not his mode of abuse, EVER, but my fear flung it at him as though it was. He left the house immediately, a move of self-preservation on his part. Wanting nothing to do with anything that was boiling inside me that night, he didn’t come back until the next day sometime. He left me alone to face that demon that was staring at me, dragged out of the recesses of my being and all I could do was tremble and cry, feeling as though I had been raped, but I hadn’t. Not even close. It became a clandestine secret between us – my accusing him of raping me, while he hadn’t done anything of the sort and my refusal to address it. I didn’t want to look at why it was that in the middle of one of our violent episodes, I brought that out of the closet.
Rape was all around me, permeating my fears, making me cast furtive glances over my shoulders when I heard footsteps behind me. It was irrational and wouldn’t leave me alone and I didn’t know why because I had never been raped, but it was there. Haunting me. Even to the point that, when I opened my energy healing practice and was inundated with women healing from rape, I freaked out and went into session with my mentor to see if I had blocked memories of my own rape somewhere in my youth. Nothing. Then she said, “Could rape mean something different for you, Angie?”
Thus began an unraveling of the biggest pattern of my life. It was then that I began to understand that I was able to feel rape all around me in all the forms of its existence. I was utterly terrified of it because I was living though it day in and day out. Energetically.
For the first 42 years of my life, I was a victim. In fact, from age 38-42, I often joked that I was Queen of the Victims. I was committed to figuring out every aspect of victimhood through experiencing it. I walked through a hell that a lot of people would not want to face and I did it with my eyes opened, knowing that I was going into hell – that I had to go into hell. I was driven to do so.
Couple that with being an Empath with a worldwide reach, which is the most powerful and potent aspect of myself, and you have a woman who is now very committed to doing everything she can to protect, heal, uplift, and empower those who may be in the position of victim. Because of all I have experienced myself and because I can feel what others are experiencing, my commitment to lifting this planet out of fear and pain is unshakeable… I know that relief – my relief and the relief of all other Empaths on this planet – is on the other side of that work. This commitment has created in me a sacred energy wherein those who are hurting can feel safe to sit before me, uncover their answers, remember their truths, and release themselves from the bondage of victimhood.
One of the reasons I am now so adamant about accountability in my work and in the work of those I teach is because I used to look into people’s lives without their knowing and I sometimes even spilled to them what I was seeing, totally freaking them out and usually pissing them off. It still makes my stomach turn when I think of the damage I unknowingly reaped upon some of my loved ones because I was untrained, unskilled, and unthinking. My ability to See was cool; that’s all I knew.
I didn’t know it was unethical to peer into people’s lives without their permission, until it happened to me; until I experienced a psychic attack, a psychic rape. Then I understood what I had been doing. I realized that my invasion of another’s energy without their consent was me raping them. I was horrified! I had done that! Suddenly, my abhorrence of rape began to make sense. I had been the perpetrator for most of my life, while hiding behind the veil of being “the victim.” I had unknowingly been violating nearly everyone around me and that realization turned me inside out. I couldn’t stand that I had been doing that and I immediately went about making amends and vowed to never allow myself or anyone I taught to behave that way. I made it my mission to educate the energy healers as often as I could about psychic, spiritual, and energetic rape so that we could put an end to it.
And… to this day, I still get really hot under the collar when I hear of it happening and, sadly, it happens far too often. Several days ago on my Facebook wall, I posted something about a client who had experienced a psychic rape and several people responded with the classic spiritual community override bullshit response: “on some level she allowed it. A lesson maybe?”
All my bells and whistles went off. I was seeing red. I was so angry, I could not formulate a sentence in response. So, I went silent about it. Mostly, because of the immense anger I felt on so many levels. I knew that there was something in it for me, something *I* needed to uncover, but I couldn’t get there. I couldn’t see through the anger that was clouding my vision.
I had others who showed up in response to the post, who were on the same page as me. But the few who responded with something along the lines of “she allowed it” sent me right over the edge and my Warrior Queen energy went haywire. Now, not only did I want to lop off the head of that psychic who raped my client, I also wanted to go after the spiritually enlightened gurus and followers who said she had “allowed it” to happen to her.
Let me be clear about a few things…
It’s true. I do expect energy healers, light workers, psychics, and spiritual community leaders to have a vast respect for human beings and a depth of compassion for them that is boundless, which also dictates that their behavior is in accordance with that respect and compassion so they do not willingly hurt anyone. But the truth is, energy healers, light workers, psychics, and spiritual community leaders are humans beings too. It’s possible that very few of them have the depth of compassion I am expecting of them and that they are misapplying these divine teachings because they are just learning themselves.
I do not want my client to be held in victim stance on this. Together, she and I worked to empower her to get out of victim stance. When the session was done, she could see herself in the situation, she could see where she had let herself down and where she had “invited it in.”
But, what I need to stress is: IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS IS IT EVER OKAY TO VIOLATE ANOTHER PERSON!!! EVER!!! No one – this means psychics, healers, therapists, spiritual community gurus, religious leaders – NO ONE should ever treat you like that, invade your physical space or energy, violate your boundaries. No matter how loving the perpetrator is, no matter how superior, no matter his/her standing in your life, no matter WHO that person is or what their title is, if you have an inkling of discomfort about whatever they are roping you into, it is a “NO!” for you. Honor that. If there is any amount of questioning or wariness on your part, it is a “NO!” for you. If you have a gut feeling that “this just isn’t right,” even if you can’t figure out why, it is a “NO!” for you. Honor your “no!” No one should supersede your own knowing. EVER!
However, in this world, people have forgotten their way. They have forgotten how to link to their own answers, their own source of truth. They have had that stripped away and that very act itself makes them ripe for the raping by those who have just enough skills and knowledge in a dangerous combination with ego and superiority complex.
Yes, in every situation there is something to learn. But in the beginning phases of healing, one must be able to recognize that a hurt has even happened before they can hop on over to the spiritually enlightened stance of “hey, you allowed this.”
Try telling that to a 3 year old child who has been molested. Try telling that to a 12 year old boy who has been attacked in an alley by a gang. Try telling that to the virgin in Africa who is raped so that that man’s HIV will be healed. NO! It is not okay to be telling our hurting humans in the beginning stages of their healing process that they brought this on themselves. It is NOT OKAY.
After years of working with adults who were molested as children, women who were raped as teens, and adults who have been abused because they are still innocent and new in the realm of energy healing or spiritual enlightenment, I have discovered that sometimes people do horrible things simply because they can. I’ve discovered that some people actually choose to hurt other people and have no remorse for doing so. I have discovered that some people are designed to manipulate and hurt and rape – some because of molding by the abuse they experienced themselves, some because of mental illness, some because they never learned otherwise. I’ve also discovered that some people choose to wield their power and their position of superiority to manipulate others to get what they want.
Sadly, I’ve discovered that gentle people with big hearts get hurt frequently, that “bad” things seem to happen to good people far too often, and that sometimes, the “bad” people seem to pay no price for their cruel actions at the time.
But more importantly I have learned these vital truths: I am here to empower those who are ready to stand with me and speak out for peace and safety. I am designed to See truth so that those who are ready can see it too. I am here to stand for those whose feet have been swiped out from beneath them, speak for those whose voices have been stolen, and protect those who have been invaded upon by those who deem it within their right to do so. I am here to call out those who insist on raping the innocents on this planet and justifying it by saying “she had it coming to her,” which is exactly what the spiritual community is saying when they say, “She allowed it.” And although I can very well see how there is a lesson in every situation, even in rape, I will always stand with the victims and declare to the perpetrators, “I STAND HERE BEFORE YOU HEALED AND WHOLE! YOUR DECEIT, YOUR ABUSE, AND YOUR RAPE IS FINISHED HERE! OUR CONTRACT IS COMPLETE! MOVE ON!“
And, I believe, that if I continue this work and you continue this work and we continue to stand together and shout out loudly, “Move on!” then we will begin to experience a shift of empowerment in the human race and that those who believe it is okay to violate another will begin to run out of people who are willing to “allow it” and then our perpetrators will be able to heal themselves too.
Because… here is the secret discovery: while everyone believes that victims are weak, therein lies the hidden strength. As long as you continue to allow yourself to be victimized, you will feel weak. The moment you choose to stand with us in this battle, you will see the truth you’ve been hiding all along: you are so fucking powerful, you had to be made to feel small for a little while just so you can remember that you are anything but small.
Welcome to the battle, my friend. Let’s do this!