I appreciate your stick-to-it attitude when it comes to your healing and self-transformation. I am continually amazed and inspired by you and your tenacity to move through the scars of the past. Many of you have lived lifetimes riddled with abuse in one form or another. While this society has recognized physical and sexual abuse as being “legitimate” abuse because there is “proof” that it is happening, it does not recognize abuse that is verbal, emotional, mental, spiritual, energetic, psychic, or financial.
Many of you have been horribly wounded, but that wounding has not been honored because there has been no outward sign of it. And yet, with all of that, you still keep looking for ways to heal, ways to transform yourself into the fullest capacity of your human existence. You continue to be willing and accountable for the life you are now living and you continue to make choices that lead you away from the trauma-drama of the past and toward healthfulness. You continue to look for possibilities beyond what you’ve been taught were the only options.
Thank you, so much for keepin’ on keepin’ on. Your willingness, accountability, and vulnerability is an inspiration to me. Your behind-the-scenes messages to me that tell me of your tales of struggle and triumph bring tears to my eyes each time I read them. I am honored to know so many of you powerful, amazing, positive people.
And, as you recalibrate yourselves to your individual truth and remember your divine essence, there is a possibility that you will be met with people who want to fight you in every possible way. You may find yourself surrounded by people with whom you have journeyed for many years – maybe, even, your whole life – who suddenly turn on you. When you choose to change, those around you notice it because the dynamic in your relationship will inherently change. This can result in a fight to keep you the same so they don’t have to change to keep you, or a fight against you because they don’t want to change themselves to keep you, or a fight altogether because your change feels like a magnifying glass upon them that shows them all the areas that they “should” or “could” change but they don’t wanna. Change, for humans, tends to be scary so humans tend to fight it – even if they can see that the change is for the better.
As you heal and gather yourself back together, you have a right to say who you interact with and who you do not. You have a right to say who you are “friends” with here on Facebook and who you are not. If someone brings drama onto your wall continually – or even once – you can choose to unfriend them or, for more shielding, you can block them. This is the magic of Facebook: it is NOT a real world… it is the world of our own making. So, if someone is not in alignment with you online, it is your divine right to say, “NO. I ain’t interested.”
THAT is where I am now, after years of healing. I am in that space of getting REALLY clear about who I want in my life and who I do not. Because my earlier adult years were spent in a marriage riddled with domestic violence, but my childhood was not, I got to experience the inner workings of abuse from a very interesting mindset. I got to be a cog in the system of violence and control without having been raised to be as such. This was both a curse and a blessing. A curse because I was, in no way, prepared for violence and how to survive it. A blessing because I was, in no way, prepared for violence so I developed this ability to approach it as a science experiment. In my marriage, I experienced physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse. In other relationships, I experienced sexual, spiritual, psychic, and energetic abuse. I’ve lived through them all to understand them all.
Due to this, I have become VERY clear about who I allow into my life and what behaviors I will no longer tolerate. What used to be a red flag for me in relationships is now a non-negotiable HELL NO! If the “red flag” shows BEFORE I enter the relationship, I stop right there. If the “red flag” shows up AFTER I’m involved, I leave. Immediately. The only way I will stay is if the person strongly displays a willingness to be accountable for their shit and to be honest with me at all times. If they are willing to be accountable for their behavior that seems “red flag-ish” AND DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE THAT BEHAVIOR, I will forgive and forget until the cows come home because I believe people CAN change and have witnessed it on profound levels.
However, if they are committed to dishonesty and being unaccountable for the shit storms they are creating in their life, I back far away. While I am a person that chooses to be open, vulnerable, and raw in this world as a means of my own transformation, I am wise enough to know that people who choose to live in their Shit Suit™ will create drama and feed off it and, eventually, that drama WILL leak into my life, if I allow it. Therefore, I DO block and have minimal contact with these people by choice. Anyone who continually presents one face to the world while behaving differently in private, well… they are not my peeps. I choose to align with people that are authentic, honest, real, and accountable.
Why am I sharing all this?
There is A LOT of drama leaking into my life right now and has been for nearly eight years, but REALLY intensively since the beginning of this year. It is not something I have talked about publicly because it is a story that has been playing out on a stage that is rather distant to my life, yet, has had some severe ripple effects in my world. While I have chosen to support some of the innocent victims in this drama, it is not really my own story, which means it is not mine to tell.
However, I have never bought into the dramatic production on the stage over there and I have a strong distaste for ALL of it. At this point, it has become apparent to the director and lead actors that I am not buying their stories and I am no longer willing to listen to their lies. I am no longer willing to condone their fabricated fantasies of perfection that they present to the world. I am able to see the truth of who they are and I am no longer willing to tolerate their behaviors in my world. I am standing up for the truth, for clarity, and for those who have had their voices stolen. Because of this, many of the adult players have come at me with a vengeance. With each one, I have chosen to consciously unfriend and block them, as a means of eliminating the drama leaking into my life.
On August 23, I posted an image of a pensive young man with a post about the vile practice of bashing the ex-spouse in front of the children. In response to this post, a friend of the director of that distant drama posted a comment that *seemed* to be in agreement with my words, but it caused me to pause and really pay attention to his words. In the end, he wrote, “What happens when the child gets old enough to start asking questions about why their parent has been in jail their whole life? Do you lie then?”
I saw the comment and realized that this person was part of the crowd I was no longer willing to interact with, part of the crowd that is supporting the director of the drama that is unfolding on that far-removed stage of my life. I thought I had unfriended and blocked them all when I cleaned out my list months ago. Seeing his comment was a good reminder that, sometimes, when I think I have cleared the theatre of actors who are feeding on drama, some can still lurk in the wings, waiting for the perfect time to enter from stage right. In keeping with my commitment to eliminate sources of abusive drama in my life, I deleted the comment, unfriended him, and blocked him. Exit stage left, thankyouverymuch.
Within minutes of me acting on my own behalf, I received this message in the inbox of my business page: I noticed you blocked me. That’s ok. I see your true colors. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult, you will first apologize to me for running like a coward, second unblock me and reinstate my message and third, answer it! Don’t be putting trash in MY UNIVERSE without being able to pick it up and dispose of it properly. Karma is bitch of a mistress and 3 fold you will endure! Be an adult and do the right thing. Thank you! You and I share a few friends on fb. I went to school with them. I give you 24 hours to reply and then we shall see how far of reach fb can have.
I’d like to point out that the post I wrote was on my wall and I tagged no one in it, least of all anyone on that tragic stage, so he had to come to my wall to see the post. While I see no need for an apology – it IS my right to decide who is my “friend” on Facebook and what can be said on my wall – I am choosing to respond in this public way because it is no longer okay for people to threaten me – or anyone else – in ANY way, especially in private.
If any of you #DearSensitives are experiencing “behind the scenes” attacks, my heart goes out to you. It is okay to stand up for yourself. It is okay to say no. It is okay to block people who want to live in ways that are contrary to what you are creating for yourself. And it is okay to stand up for yourself when you choose to block them and they come back swinging, begging for a fight.
You do not have to meet violence with violence, but you CAN STAND UP and SPEAK OUT and DEFEND YOURSELF. You no longer need to tolerate ANY abuse from anyone and especially not in the name of love. Even if these people are your family members or lifelong friends, when you choose to heal, when you choose to wake up, when you choose to rise for the truth of who you are, IT IS OKAY TO SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
I invite you to stand with me as I go public with this person because it is not okay for humans to abuse other humans in ANY way. Sticks and stones DO break bones, but WORDS said in secret create far deeper wounds and that is NOT OKAY.
Enough IS enough!
Dustin, my post was a general post to ALL divorced parents, sparked because of recent interactions with clients who were unwilling to be accountable for their own actions and words. Your comment, while written in a way that SEEMED to be curious and open, was, in fact, a subtle attack. You had an agenda and I could feel it, so I deleted your comment, and your subsequent messages to me on my professional page only confirmed what I was sensing.
Through your comment, you brought your friend’s personal story to MY wall. You made this choice and then you attacked me in private when I chose to delete it to keep that story private. Neither of those behaviors are okay. However, because I want to address your attack, I will do my best to respond in a way that keeps the identity of your friend and the situation private because I believe this story deserves privacy.
When that person’s children start asking questions about why their parent is in jail, I most certainly hope that the parent who is still at home is willing to answer with vulnerable honesty and tell the ENTIRE story with accountability. In every marriage, there are TWO people responsible for what goes down. While behavior that results in a sentence behind bars is NEVER okay, I know through my training, research, and personal experience that there is RARELY one “completely innocent” party in that sort of situation.
If the at-home parent is accountable for THEIR participation in the situation that led to jail time for the other parent, then THAT conversation could be very healing for the children and the at-home parent. If the at-home parent blames the parent in jail for the entire thing and pleads absolute innocence, which I have witnessed your friend do – or worse, tells the children stories that are exaggerations of what really happened, which I have also witnessed this person do – then that parent is doing the very thing I was writing about in that article. Perhaps THAT is why you attacked me… you were subconsciously defending your friend because you don’t want to look at the truth of that person, but my words sparked an awareness that you felt driven to fight against. Maybe. But I’m not here to figure out why you did what you did. I am here to stand up for the truth.
Dusty, you are a good person with a kind heart. That is how I have experienced you and that is the feedback I have received from the young actors involved in that tragic drama playing out over there. In keeping with the theatrical theme I started above, I appreciate that you want to defend the director of the drama, but you have a very limited scope of view about what has gone on for nearly two decades. You found yourself in the middle of a drama that began LONG before you came into the scene. You have NO idea of what the truth is and you are basing your beliefs on broken half-truths and fabrications that are downright lies.
While you are welcome to believe what the director has led you to believe, Dusty, it is NOT the truth. Innocent people who have had no voice in this production have been abused and the director ALLOWED it to happen for years, as well as perpetrated it on many levels. That drama over there has grown tiresome and the director’s behaviors have remained unchecked for far too long. It is time for someone to stand up for the truth and I am choosing to do that.
I invite you to open your heart and ask to see the whole truth from someone OTHER than the director. I have experienced you as someone who is willing to be supportive of the youths involved and I ask you to use THAT heart to see the truth. Look and listen to what is really happening on that stage. Pay attention to what the young actors are saying through their behaviors, decisions, and actions. Maybe even ask for the clarity of viewpoint from the oldest of the young actors and listen to them, I mean REALLY listen to what they say and BELIEVE THEM. You will hear a very different story than the one you have been directed to believe, sir. Their story IS the truth and it is the one I am defending. You are fighting to defend someone who, in fact, IS the abuser. And whether or not you are willing to listen to the whole truth, I have been around for the entire pathetic production from the very beginning and I say Enough is enough!