wondering
For about two weeks now… I have been wondering about a few things. The other day, when my heart got all excited about that 40-hour work-week job for *someone else* that I actually applied for, I really started looking at what I WANT to do next, which intensified those things I’ve been wondering about.
 
Those wonderings have been in questions that have sounded like, “I wonder… do I still find joy in and love for being the steward of the Phoenix? Am I still serving humanity as I’ve been designed to? Do I still want to be an energy healer? Do I still want to lead groups and teach and host REVELutions and guide people to remembering who they are? Do I still want to do readings?”
 
Some of those questions, I spoke aloud this morning. I actually said out loud, “I am beginning to wonder if I am done doing anything I’ve been trying to do for the last 15 years and if I’m ready to just go to work for the ‘man’ and call that good enough. I am beginning to wonder if I WANT to be a healer anymore…”
 
When it came out of my mouth, I was startled. I hadn’t said it aloud, yet, and doing so made it more real. As an Empath, I process a lot internally, because I’m continually receiving sensory input. However, to actually move through something, I have to engage my Wordy Wordsmith and actually speak it through. So, when those words came out, shyly, with tears in my eyes, I had to pay it heed. If we had made it to the “speaking out loud” stage, it was serious.
 
I don’t have any answers for the questions. I don’t know that I want to keep on keeping on as a healer. I also don’t know that it’s even possible for me to not keep on keeping on as a healer because it seems to be such an integral, natural part of me.
 
I really do love that moment when someone’s eyes light up and I can feel them actually feeling their truths for, possibly, the first time ever. And, when I have days like I had today, where I have the honor of sitting with three very different, but all very open clients, and getting to share with them the simple truth – in very different ways – that THEY ARE LIGHT, THEY ARE IMPORTANT, THEY ARE LOVE… things like that happen and I am so much in awe of all that I get to witness and I feel so blessed to have been trusted with that, to have been privileged to glimpse their soul, and to be introduced to their truth. To experience that, I feel… so moved…
 
And so, tonight, as I left Dancing Cranes, I checked in. I felt such joy, such love, such peace. And I asked, “Angie, what’s next? What do you WANT to do?” I breathed as I walked and then I heard a question that gave me the biggest pause, yet, “Am I still passionate about my calling as a healer?”
 
Honestly, I am a bit stunned that the question was that instead of, “How can you even think of not doing this, Angie?”
 
I feel a little raw right now and to face into the possibility of closing down shop and calling it quits on the aspect of me that I thought was, actually, wholly me… well… that’s a little… startling… and saddening…
 
Now what?
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