The following post is part of my Meditation of the Week f*r*e*e service I offer. These emails are designed to touch your heart, inspire your mind and awaken your soul. If you’d like to receive these in your email box, sign up by clicking here!
I am a Human Recorder. I have the ability to listen to what you say and, if my recorder is on, speak it back precisely, word for word. I can recall dates and occurrences with uncanny clarity. And I can catalog “data” to check against other “data” with stunning speed and accuracy. I’ve done this my whole life. However, when I was married to a man who had the propensity to be completely dishonest and out of integrity, this skill got honed with scary precision.
My Recording skills, coupled with my innate ability to ferret out dishonesty, make it so some people feel uncomfortable when they are in my presence, but they are also a couple of the reasons I am a kickass healer. I can immediately sense incongruencies and pick up on something that you may not be aware of or are hiding – even from yourself. For most of my life, I was around people who loathed these skills. They would question me and tell me that I “didn’t know what I was talking about” or that, somehow, I was “making too big a deal” of something or that there was no way I could know what I did know.
Their questioning of me – the “making me feel crazy” experience of it all – turned me around to believing that I had to be wrong about what I actually knew. All the time. Up until a few years ago, I spent most of my life “being wrong” and being willing to be “the problem” in any situation. If I was doing something differently than everyone else, I was doing it wrong. I couldn’t just be doing it differently – I immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was “wrong”… even if I ended up at the same place as everyone else. If I was loving, forgiving, accepting, or able to understand someone in a way that others weren’t able to, then I was wrong. If there was a miscommunication then, clearly, it was my fault. And, I ended up feeling angry, insignificant, and frustrated most of the time.
It is of utmost importance for me to point out that my penchant for being wrong wasn’t imposed upon me by anyone else – as far as I’ve been able to source this pattern. It was simply a matter of me believing, at the core of me, that I was fundamentally flawed, for whatever reason. And, therefore, I continually attracted situations and relationships wherein I got to prove to myself that I was, indeed, wrong.
Another thing of great importance to note is… I wasn’t always wrong. In fact, most of the time I was simply being unique and “doing it” my own way and the end result was “correct”. Frequently, I was following my innate abilities, but judging myself harshly for being too loving or too forgiving or too trusting or too… whatever… you fill in the blank. I was too everything, pretty much, because it proved my wrongness.
In the process of uncovering my belief of being fundamentally flawed, I discovered that I was willing to own 200% of the situation, thereby making me the only person in whatever situation that could have been possibly “wrong” and, thereby, exonerating the other participant. I also learned that, rather than working out the “wrong” situation with the other party involved (read: standing up for myself), I would take my wrong self away to some dark corner with a Cat-O-Nine-Tails and flog the crap outta myself because I was so wrong (and they were not.) If someone accused me of creating a misunderstanding because they had heard incorrectly – even if I knew what I said (because my Recorder can replay conversations) and it wasn’t what they were saying I said – I would willingly take on that it was all my fault and I’d try to fix it – usually failing miserably.
I also uncovered the fact that there was an ingrained pattern of even if I was able to prove that I was “right” in any situation, the other party would rarely take accountability for their part, they wouldn’t say, “I’m sorry for saying you were wrong,” and there would be no compensation for my heartache. In fact, most often, they had no idea that I had been hurt by their claims that I was wrong. And, if I hadn’t addressed it in that very moment but had chosen to come back at a later time to “fix” the wrong, they had usually forgotten the issue all together. I had been the only one dwelling on the fact that I was “wrong.” And because they wouldn’t take accountability or apologize for their accusation of “my” wrongdoing, even though it was their own mistake, I would chalk it up to not even being worth the fight so I wouldn’t defend myself. I’d just wallow in my wrongness even deeper.
I spent a lot of time trying to prove to others that I was not wrong. When, in fact, I needed to first believe in myself that I was right! I had to start building trust with myself by listening to my intuition and following those nudges every. single. time. Even when – or especially when – they seemed completely unfounded, unexplainable, and irrational. I needed to develop trust with myself by being completely honest with me all the time. I needed to start being clear in my self-talk and my thoughts.
I’d like to say that, as soon as I uncovered this pattern, processed it, healed it, and reprogrammed it, that my “problems” with being “wrong” stopped showing up, but that’s not the case. Instead, what is now happening is people with whom I practiced a lifetime of being “wrong” are still playing that “you are wrong, Angie” game with me. It is how *I* am playing that game that has changed.
I now check in when I feel that “you are wrong, Angie” arrow coming at me. Am I wrong? Have *I* misunderstood? Is there something I need to fix here? Now, because I’ve learned to trust myself, I can instantly know if I’ve missed the boat and need to back up. I also immediately know when I am right and whether it’s something I want to “prove” or if I just want to allow it to fall off my shoulders. And, if I choose to produce the “proof” that supports me and they choose to not apologize or take accountability, it no longer effects me because I no longer need “them” to tell me I am right.
When I released my pattern of “needing” to be the victim and “always wrong” then I also released the need to have others prove that I’m right.
What a relief!
© Angie K. Millgate 10/10/12