This post is long and it is an invitation to look at what you believe to be true about yourself. I wrote it because I want to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned and while the first part of it may sound like I am asking for you to share with me all the “good” you see in me, that was not my intent. I love you.
A while ago someone nearly convinced me that I was purely evil, that I was here at this time with intent in my heart that was aligned fully with the Dark, that the reason I can see all that is out of integrity in the spiritual communities and the energy healing world is because Darkness has enlisted me in the work of destroying the Light so that Darkness can prevail.
When this person pointed out to me all the ways I have been a disbeliever of all the “wonderful” modalities out there right now, how I have questioned the latest modality that is washing through Utah right now with a voracious appetite, and how I have poked holes in every one of these modalities over and over, they said it was because I am Dark. They said it was proof of just how fully I bought into the contract with Darkness.
Another person told me that the reason I was seeking to “out” all the spiritual gurus is because *I* don’t want them to succeed in the good they are doing. That, somehow, their perversion of the Light gifts they have been given and their twisting of those gifts into something that is reaping secondary abuse upon so many innocents is something that is supposed to happen and me trying to stop it is me working for evil. That me seeing these gurus as anything other than good and that I am interpreting their work as being hurtful to humanity was proof that I was evil. They told me that every person has a right to find their own path of healing and if they choose a path wherein they get hurt further, well then, that is their lesson to deal with and my need to “hero” them by outing these gurus that I perceive to be abusive was more proof of just how far out of alignment with the Light I was.
These tales nearly crushed me. To see myself through those points of view was horrifying. To hear that I had chosen to wield my magic purposely to wound the Light was devastating. Eventually, after hearing the tales enough, I began to believe them. These people knew enough about me and my vulnerabilities that they needed to say only a few words and I would hang myself out to dry, spiraling ever deeper into the well of profound Darkness and evil that I was beginning to believe I was. I nearly gave up everything that I am because I began to believe these stories to be my truth. I began to believe that I was evil, that I had ill-intent toward those who worked for the Light, and that I was *not* working for the Light.
Because they knew me so well and have for a good long time and many lifetimes to boot, I believed they were telling me all this out of love. Because they loved me, it HAD TO BE true. I HAD TO BE evil because they said it was so and they told me they loved me. If it is true that they loved me – they *said* they loved me, so I hoped they did – if that was true, why would they say such horrible things about me if they weren’t true??? How could these people who said they loved me be saying anything other than truth? HOW?!
I share this with you not because I need you to pump me up and prove to me otherwise. I share this with you because it is an example of what is going on in this world right now. I share this with you because even though their story of me, their points of view about me was SO contrary to what I innately know to be true about myself, I believed them because it was said to me through love. I believed many things they taught me because I believed love was grounded in honesty.
This is NOT true here. Other dimensions, yes, Love IS honesty. But here, on this planet, Love does not guarantee truth. And that has been a hard lesson for me to comprehend. It makes NO sense to me and it is one of the ways I am very confounded by Earthlings.
But for me, this lesson regarding my misunderstanding of Love, brought into clarity some truths that I know to be eternal for myself… I CAN see those who are wielding their gifts selfishly, feeding off the power they are harnessing within themselves, rather than returning it to the Source. I CAN see how that choice sets them up to be a perpetrator of abuse, a predator, and creates the energy of being an incubus or succubus, an energy vampire. I CAN see how they thrive in that energy of robbery and rape. I CAN see the gurus who are twisting their “gifts” into a means to sexually abuse the people who trust them. I CAN see the Ascenders who are so focused on leaving this dimension that they are unwilling to pay attention to the shit they are leaving in their wake for other humans to deal with.
And truth is… I CAN see all of this not because I am evil or because I have been evil in past lives – because, believe me I HAVE played in the Dark many, many times and I’m comfortable there – but because someone NEEDS to be able to see the lapses in integrity. I CAN see all this because I am designed to see it. I lead with the energy of Divine Truth and Order. My soul was created in those energies and therefore, I CAN see when things are out of alignment.
Whether I “play” for the Dark team or the Light team, I see the maligned energy and I magnify it. As a Dark being in the past, I chose to magnify that to the point of destruction and despair, causing the person to melt beneath the weight of it, purposely destroying the human without them having a say in what was happening. As a Light being, I choose to magnify it until the human willingly lets it go and heals themselves. If they are not willing to let it go, I walk away. I am not here to hurt ANY human in ANY way. I am here to protect them. I am here to support them in remembering THEIR truth that is inside them and has been all along.
I CAN see all these maligned aspects because every time I do so in this lifetime, I am faced with two choices: 1) magnify it until that human willingly chooses to heal it or 2) out it for what it is: divine energy that has been perverted and trapped in a power-greedy human. If the second happens, I am steered away from the Darkness that lingers there and I am able to clear a pathway for others to follow. I am a First Responder in many ways and I am good with that.
Through all of this, I have come to understand that I DO know how to wield the Dark for the Light and the Light for the Dark and really… it is all one in the same, it just depends on how you look at it. If I choose to buy into these tales that I am pure evil and it breaks me in this lifetime, well… that would be a very sad thing, indeed.
I am more than that. And I know it. So are you.